Jennifer Coolidge has sent us all on a mission. It’s not simple, but would we expect a mission from The White Lotus queen herself to be easy? Never.
Tanya (Coolidge) and her new husband Greg (Jon Gries) are settling down in Sicily for their first day on the dreamy Italian island. With steaming plates of pasta, enough champagne to fill the Nile Mediterranean, and a gorgeous coast right at their fingertips, Greg asks Tanya what she wants to do on their first day together.
Not only does Tanya have a plan, she has a whole Italian fantasy lined up for them. Get this woman a job in travel planning. Clearly, she can string together an itinerary in no time, because at breakfast, Tanya runs through the whole shebang.
“My fantasy day in Italy is: First, I want to look just like Monica Vitti,” she says. “Then, this man in a very slim-fitting suit, he comes over and he lights my cigarette. It tastes really good. Then, he takes me for a drive on his Vespa.”
Good tasting cigarette, noted. Not sure if those exist—what do cigarettes taste like?—but we’ll invent some for our girl Tanya. Greg’s not so sure about the whole Vespa of it all (driving in Italy, scary stuff), but Tanya launches back into her plan for what would happen after the ride.
“Then, at sunset, we go down very close to the sea to one of those really romantic spots,” she continues. “We drink lots of aperitifos and we eat big plates of pasta with giant clams. We’re just really chic and happy. We’re beautiful.”
Sold. The music twinkles in the background as Tanya suggests, tenderly, that they will be “chic and happy,” and also “beautiful.” How adorable. Forget the fact that “aperitifos” isn’t a word (there’s aperitif, the Italian word for an alcoholic beverage before the meal, and aperitivo, pre-meal drinks and appetizers)—this is fully a mood, heading into the new year.
No, it’s not summer, and no, most of us aren’t staying at a luxurious hotel off the coast of Sicily. But we need to turn Jennifer Coolidge’s Italian fantasy into a state of mind. Living in New York? Rent one of those Revel bikes and scooter around Little Italy with a man in a tight suit. He’ll offer you some American Spirits and take you to one of those Italian American joints on Mulberry Street—or, if you’re lucky, Olive Garden in Times Square.
The specificity of the day makes it more admirable: Tanya knows precisely what she wants. Scratch the Italian fantasy. We should be planning all our days like Tanya. Let’s not limit ourselves to Monica Vitti, ladies! Give us the Meg Ryan in a rom-com fantasy. Bring on the Vanessa Hudgens in a cheesy Netflix Christmas movie fantasy. And let’s not forget the Barbie fantasy, skating around LA in neon clothes like Margot Robbie.
But let’s get back to Tanya and The White Lotus. Greg agrees to the day, but there are some road bumps. Like, for example, Tanya isn’t exactly Monica Vitti-Esque; no, the hotel concierge Valentina (Sabrina Impacciatore) thinks she’s more resemblant of Peppa Pig. Too much pink in the ’fit. Oh, well! The couple journey off on a Vespa ride for the ages, with Tanya squeezing Greg’s abdomen and coughing a bug onto the side of the road. How romantic.
Naturally, though, all is not as it seems in The White Lotus. Although Greg gives Tanya the dreamy day she desired, something’s up with him. He’s leaving Sicily early for a “work thing.” That can’t be true! On top of his work nuisance, Tanya catches Greg dishing out “I love you” to someone else on the phone late at night. “She’s clueless as usual,” he says. WHAT IS GOING ON?!
The creepiness of the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” motto seems to be the overarching theme in this episode. Not only does Greg give into Tanya’s wishes to fuel his own personal desires, but White Lotus couple Daphne (Meghann Fahy) and Cameron (Theo James) subscribe to the same belief. They never fight.
“What is there to fight about?” Daphne asks fellow couple Harper (Aubrey Plaza) and Ethan (Will Sharpe). Whenever she and Cameron think about fighting, Daphne admits, he just allows her to be right. How bizarre. The power dynamics are getting weirder at The White Lotus, and will surely devolve into complete chaos in the upcoming episodes.
The Five Guests Most Likely to Die
We’re placing bets on who will die this season on The White Lotus. After this episode, here’s our top five picks of folks who may become corpses in just a few episodes.
1. Greg Hunt: Cheater! Tanya better push him off that balcony, where he keeps making calls. He’s leaving, but if Greg wants to make it out of the season alive, he better prove he can be faithful to Tanya. But if Jennifer Coolidge becomes a murdering wife… that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
2.Dominic Di Grasso: This episode revealed that Michael Imperioli’s character is staying in a room with a hot tub. Isn’t that a little dangerous? Laura Dern, confirmed to be voicing his wife in Episode 1’s wild phone call, better drown her husband in that water.
3. Ethan Spiller: Cheating in a different sense, Harper catches Ethan jerking off to porn after his run. They get into a nasty bickering match over morning sex versus night sex, too. Harper’s fed up with him and his friends. She could easily kill her husband.
4. Tanya McQuoid: Sorry, folks—it’s not what we want, but after this episode, we could see Greg murdering his new wife for her money.
5. Cameron Babcock: If Harper doesn’t kill her husband, she could be moved to kill Cameron, who keeps bothering the living crap out of her. Plus, he pretends to be a shark in this episode, grabbing Harper’s foot underwater. She should’ve killed him right then and there, out of self defense.
