Forget what I said about this season of Vanderpump Rules becoming too dark in light of the Scandoval. This week’s dramatic episode ends in a complete and utter farce on par with James Kennedy’s beach day from hell, with a final scene ripped straight from a network sitcom. It also felt like a classic episode of Vanderpump Rules.
We’ve got Katie Maloney rage-texting Tom Schwartz, Raquel Leviss chasing Maloney around SUR, Maloney’s mom telling Leviss to “shut up,” Ariana Madix weeping in Lisa Vanderpump’s arms, Kristina Kelly raising her voice above a murmur, and Tom Sandoval (rather predictably) screaming at women. The super-sized episode ends with a very sad rendition of “Happy Birthday.”
In regards to the Scandoval, this would-be season finale also contains a truly bonkers scene of Leviss advising Madix to have more sex with Sandoval, who Leviss herself is supposedly sleeping with at this point. Leviss also suggests that maybe it's time for the long-term couple to call it quits, before Madix shuts down the conversation. Whew boy!
Before we jump into the episode’s big confrontation, “There’s Something About Her” gives us some fascinating insight into Sandoval and Madix’s currently fractured relationship—none of which excuses Sandoval sleeping with his partner’s best friend, obviously.
After Sandoval was caught lying through his over-bleached teeth twice in last week’s episode, Madix tells Maloney that she doesn’t really care that her partner didn’t rush to her side after her grandmother died. She only cares that he embarrassed her in front of the group. She’s conveniently leaving out the part where he lied to her. But apparently, these two are so emotionally disconnected that his routine dishonesty doesn’t phase her.
Likewise, we get another scene of Sandoval and Madix trying to hash out their issues to no avail. We find out that these two aren’t having sex and are basically living like roommates. Madix insists that they need to spend more quality time together—which, to her, means binging Love Island and going on walks—in order for her to want him sexually. But Sandoval’s version of quality time is going out and getting wasted.
Neither come to a concrete resolution or even promise to do better. And a lot of their problems feel unsaid. If I can put my Esther Perel hat on for a moment, it seems like these two have grown into completely different people from when they first met and are scared to find a spark again for fear that one no longer exists.
Meanwhile, Maloney is pissed after a gossip site reported that Schwartz and Leviss were caught making out again, which Scwhartz denies. This rumor is most likely bullshit, as Schwartz seemingly has no interest in Leviss. Nevertheless, it’s enough to send Maloney into “Tequila Katie” mode, giving us our final, explosive confrontation of the season—well, before we see Madix telling Sandoval she regrets ever loving him in next week’s post-Scandoval episode.
After a lackluster preview of Madix and Maloney’s sandwich shop Something About Her—the finale was clearly supposed to feature the opening of Schwartz & Sandy’s—the gang heads to SUR for drinks and to celebrate Vanderpump’s birthday.
This is where Leviss has the world’s most cringey chat with Madix about her and Sandoval’s relationship. When Madix explains why she doesn’t want to have sex at the moment—which she reveals is also because of body-image issues—Leviss seems confused. She also tells her that sex is a “very important part of a relationship,” basically giving Madix a sly lecture on why she’s currently sleeping with her man.
She even makes a shocking flub when she tells Madix, “sometimes Sandoval and I go through dry spells.” Even if Leviss meant they go through dry spells separately in their own relationships, this phrasing is odd. But everyone knows Leviss isn’t the most eloquent speaker, so, of course, this remark goes right over Madix’s head.
After that bewildering conversation, Leviss tries to talk to Maloney about the Schwartz situation for what feels like the millionth time this season, but this woman will clearly go wherever a producer instructs her to. Leviss basically tries to school Maloney, telling her she has no right to be mad at her ex. At this point, you can literally see Sandoval’s hatred of Maloney emanating off of Leviss, as it’s clear he’s encouraging her to be an asshole behind closed doors.
Fortunately for us viewers, Maloney falls for the bait and ends up calling Leviss a cunt before having a full meltdown. Madix walks in as soon as Maloney drops the C-bomb, and Sandoval pulls up right on time to scream at Maloney. Her mother, Terri, even has to get involved, telling Leviss to shut up. Like every iconic fight, we end with Schwartz, Leviss, and Maloney arguing in the storied back alley of SUR.
Back inside, Madix starts crying to Vanderpump, as she’s been stuck in between this toxic dynamic between Leviss, Maloney, and the Toms this entire summer. Vanderpump loves when young people break down in front of her, so she brings up the loss of Madix’s grandma and her dog, making her sob even harder.
Eventually, everyone calms down enough to sing “Happy Birthday” to Vanderpump. She gives her classic speech that wraps up every season, pointing out the dysfunction amongst the group but saying how much she loves everyone. This would’ve been a perfect ending to a season regardless of the Scandoval. But next week, we’re somehow blessed with even more chaos.
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