Every once in a while, you see a product on Amazon that you're sure is a joke, designed only as fodder for gag gifts and Facebook memes. But then you use it, and it unironically changes your life—that's how I feel about Onion Goggles.
I've tried every "life hack" for avoiding this fate. Cutting under the stove's vent and holding my tongue to the roof of my mouth yielded pathetic, whimpering results. Freezing and soaking the onion supposedly works, but I'm not willing to compromise my onion's integrity. Apparently, I have incredibly feeble tear ducts. I don't just cry when I cut onions—my eyes burn like the fires of Mount Doom, and once it starts, I have to hand the cutlery to my wife so I can walk outside and clear my vision. I even tear up a bit when I cut scallions—yeah, those weak little green onions—and it puts a real damper on the tag-team nature of our cooking
I had given up all hope, when a friend sent me these onion goggles as a joke. Joke's on them, though, because I live and die by these things when cooking dinner. They're sort of like small ski goggles, using foam around the edges to keep those brutal onion vapors from getting near your eyes, and it works. I've never experienced such tear-free bliss while cutting onions before, and in the years since, I've used them regularly. After multiple uses per week, they've held up extremely well, and I haven't needed to replace them with a new pair.If you wear glasses, unfortunately, these won't fit over your regular specs, which means you'll have to briefly take them off for the onion goggles to sit flush against your face.
Look, I'm under no illusions—I look absolutely ridiculous when wearing these, and I'm lucky my wife had already agreed to marry me when I got them (can't back out now, honey). But for those two minutes of cutting, it's totally worth looking like a ‘90s snowboarder, because we don't have to disrupt the flow of our prep work for one ruthless vegetable. You can buy them in four different colors, but don't worry about which one you get, because you'll look silly in all of them.
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