With the second-biggest debate in the history of the world just a few days away—the biggest, of course, was 2015’s great dress debate which everyone knows was won by white and gold—both presidential candidates are busy preparing for what could be election-deciding moments.
Having been involved in some way in six previous presidential debate preps, I know exactly what each candidate is doing: Kamala Harris is spending somewhere between 4-6 hours every day honing policy issues and comeback lines (that’s how I’ve helped candidates in the past); Donald Trump is getting a spray tan and coming up with new ways to mispronounce Kamala.
And make no mistake: ABC News debate moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis are also busy preparing—whether that’s coming up with hot-button discussion topics or, in Muir’s case, plucking unsightly nasal hair.
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But let’s be honest—none of us really care who knows more about the need for increased wheat subsidies. We want to see a trainwreck! To ensure that happens, here’s what the Daily Beast demands the moderators ask. I am confident that, after reading this, Muir and Davis will throw out their ridiculous questions about NATO, Third World debt and the Inflation Reduction Act.
1. Who would make a better Treasury Secretary in your administration: the Phillie Phanatic or Elon Musk?
Given that the debate is in Philadelphia, this is the right note to begin on. Clearly the answer is the cartoon-ish character.
2. What does WAP* stand for?
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Donald Trump will… grab that answer.
3. What is the best way to eliminate the $35 trillion national debt?
The candidates will either answer tax the rich or in Donald’s case, tax the poor. Which is to be expected—better answers would include “hold a giant bake sale or “have Jeff Bezos write a check.”
4. Does the fact that the Amazon CEO and space cowboy has a hot girlfriend prove once and for all that love is blind?
Follow-up questions are key, so let’s continue on the Bezos front. Of course the answer is yes.
5. Should the Chicago White Sox be eligible for federal disaster relief?
In this day and age of wasted government money, I would support whoever answers with a plan for legalized sports team euthanasia.
6. Can you name the Kardashians in descending order of buttocks size?
People love pop culture so Muir should ask a question designed to show who can think not just outside the box but outside the beltway. Also, it’s a trick question! The first one named should be Rob.
7. What is the greatest threat to our freedom, unregulated militias or Ticketmaster prices?
I think we know what the Swifties believe.
8. What is your position?
That’s it. Just leave the candidates floundering for a hot minute in lieu of a fully-formed question. Bonus points for whoever says reverse cowgirl.
9. Should we enhance border security by hiring Paul Blart, Mall Cop?
The answer here is so obvious that if either candidate says no they must withdraw from the race.
And because people hate politics but love watching game shows, wouldn’t it be fun to have the final moment be Jeopardy! style:
10. 28 days unless it’s a leap year.
Here, the correct answer is not actually “What is February?” It’s “What is the length of Jennifer Lopez’s next marriage.”
*For our Caucasian readers over 60, WAP does not stand for White Anglo Protestant.
