Monumental things are happening in Beverly Hills. Under the umbrella of Dorit’s Homeless Not Toothless gala, the women let loose this week, as Crystal finally found her voice in the presence of Paula Abdul. Maybe, we’ve found our new American Idol.
This week’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills opens with Kyle visiting Sutton. Last week’s toe licking healed their wounds, and now these two have reached equilibrium. Gossiping about the upcoming Homeless Not Toothless gala, the two call back to last year’s comedic triumph, when Kathy Hilton weaponized her fake ditziness to push Dorit’s buttons while lauding the homeless and toothless.
The charity maintaining its fire-starting name is certainly smart given all the press it received after that episode. I mean, it’s a perfect Beverly Hills charity, focusing on vanity rather than, you know, giving unhoused people homes. While Dorit can’t solve the systemic issues that propagate homelessness in this country, she can help homeless people get a teeth cleaning. Isn’t that the American dream?
Charitable queen Dorit—who recently helped an inebriated Denise Richards fix her upside-down jacket—is not only helping those in need, but her marriage is stronger than ever. Or, so she claims. Fresh off a televised therapy session, Dorit shares that she and P.K. are back on track. Thus, love isn’t dead.
But before the gala can begin, an activated Crystal FaceTimes Garcelle to call Annemarie’s intent into question. Annemarie, who has received the strangest new housewife edit in history, spent her time at Kyle’s Celebration of Life event discrediting Sutton’s esophageal disorder, perhaps the strangest medical drama in a show that’s seen Munchausen’s accusations, and Crystal’s not happy with her.
What’s more, Crystal lets Garcelle know that, when she met Annemarie prior to filming, Annemarie claimed she was an anaesthesiologist, not a nurse anesthetist. Fishy.
“I just couldn’t help but think, ‘What else are you lying about?’” Crystal ponders in her confessional.
Millennial Crystal then shares she Googled esophageal disorders and can confirm they’re real, so it’s odd the medical professional is denying that. Donning her best Vicki Gunvsalson impression, Crystal remarks “it’s weird” how obsessed Annemarie is with Sutton’s esophagus, and it’s hard to disagree.
Crystal Kung Minkoff.
BravoCrystal then meets her brother Jeff for coffee, where the two split the short rib breakfast burrito. “We share everything,” Crystal says, precursing our dip further into her Freudian pond.
The duo discuss Jeff’s broken engagement, which he slightly blames on Crystal. It’s an odd little dynamic, and one I can’t say I care much about, but I do like the idea of monster-in-law Crystal in theory. Has she secretly been a Teresa Giudice-type, obsessed with her brother all this time? If so, let’s get Jeff a wife and a camera. Otherwise, this plot’s a chop.
As Dorit’s long-awaited Homeless Not Toothless gala approaches, Dorit remarks that she hopes people focus more on the “performance and less on the name.” Unfortunately for Ms. Kemsley, that message falls on deaf ears.
“So… homeless not toothless,” Garcelle says to her glam team, followed by silence. Then, they all burst into laughter.
“I don’t get it, but I think maybe we’ll see some homeless people that have really nice teeth,” Sutton says.
It’s a valid thought, as I still have no real idea what the foundation does. All we know is Sharon Stone allegedly knocked on her neighbor Dorit’s door and said let’s support the homeless with some dental care, and Dorit said yes. Now, that may be true, but it’s with noting this year’s event didn’t have Sharon Stone in attendance. Instead, we get celebrity guests Paula Abdul and William H. Macy (who doesn’t appear on screen, shattering my hope that his recently incarcerated wife, Desperate Housewives’ Felicity Huffman would make a cameo).
Driving to the event, Mauricio and Kyle’s tension is thicker than ever. The once-inseparable lovers now feel like two strangers, a shocking evolution that at this point seems irreparable.
“I feel like every time I go to one of these events, there’s a lot of whispering and watching Maurico and me, which feels really strange,” Kyle says in confessional. “They’re analyzing every move or hand gesture. It’s very weird.”
So true queen, but I’m going to go ahead and analyze the couple’s red carpet appearance: They hate each other. Or, rather, Kyle has a severe disdain for Mauricio that simply wasn’t evident prior to this season. It’s fascinating and such a tonal switch for Kyle, one even Mauricio seems startled by.
Arriving at the gala, Sutton points out Mauricio’s strange priorities, showing up to this event but not Kyle’s celebration of life for her late friend Lorene.
Now, that’s absolutely true from a moral and ethical perspective. But I, too, would drop everything to attend the Homeless Not Toothless gala. It’s not everyday you get to be part of history.
And this event is shockingly… real. I expected three tables and some light fanfare, but the venue has dozens of tables. Where did all these guests come from? Are any of them homeless? Where are the teeth? I have a lot of questions. Erika’s dentist is in attendance, proving at least one dental professional is, maybe, somewhat affiliated with this nonprofit.
Speaking of professionals, everyone’s least favorite nurse anesthetist Annemarie enters to immediate pushback, with Sutton all fired up over her comments.
“We’re going to talk right now,” Sutton announces. “You picked the wrong person.”
After Annemarie interrupts, Sutton hits her with a Southern slap-in-the-face, an “excuse me ma’am.” The fight gets heated fast, as Annemarie again accuses Sutton of lying, prolonging this bizarre fight and tripling down on her weirdo behavior.
With Sutton having beaten Annemarie down, Crystal goes in for the kill: “You said she lied!” Our former Sleeping Beauty, Crystal refuses to let Annemarie slip away from her comments. But Annemarie tries to turn it around, accusing Crystal of claiming Sutton has an eating disorder.
That, too, is a lie, a stunningly dense one, given Annemarie is the one who claimed that, and on camera. Unfortunately for Annemarie, Bravo is obsessed with flashbacks, burying her with unseen footage of Annemarie discussing Sutton’s esophagus for multiple hours.
“I am trained to be a critical thinker,” says Annemarie, displaying not an iota of critical thought. It would be kind of iconic if she weren’t such a flop. This is a worse display of drama than Cindy Barshop (of Real Housewives of New York Season 4 fame) accusing Ramona and Sonja of stealing her hangers.
The ladies hit pause so they can honor the homeless not toothless, Priorities, of course. Erika greets an elderly woman whose chyron identifies her as “Pink Lady” and they snap a photo with Garcelle. I’m not really sure who she is or what her story is, but I’d like Bravo to give her a diamond so we can figure it out. She’s certainly more of a presence on screen than Annemarie.
Next, Paula Abdul enters the fray. It’s so wonderfully campy to have Paula presenting; I have to give Dorit props. She knew her audience. Paula introduces singer Taylor Dayne, who bursts into theatrical singing as I burst into laughter.
I’m so sorry Taylor Dayne, I have no idea who you are. But the way these women talk about her, you’d think she’s Céline Dion. Is this my Reneé Rapp not knowing Kylie Minogue moment, or is the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gaslighting us by pretending she’s a star? I’m really not sure, but I’m calling into doubt Erika’s claim Ms. Dayne is “one of the strongest voices alive.”
Please don’t come for me Dayneamites; Annemarie doesn’t know her either!
As the women sit for dinner, Sutton extends an olive branch to Annemarie, hoping to make peace before the cast trip to Barcelona. Exhibiting some awful housewives instincts, Annemarie brushes her off. But after a talk with Kyle—and probably a producer—Annemarie calls Sutton before the trip.
The two finally bury the hatchet, but the drama is far from over. A flash-forward to the Barcelona trip shows the women learning their vacation home is haunted, before Annemarie’s feud with Crystal hits the fan.
Next week, we find out if Crystal told Annemarie the group are “not intelligent” and “very shallow.” I certainly hope she did, but either way, someone will emerge from the next episode a villainess. Until then, let’s all stream the legendary Taylor Dayne’s music as we wait.
