Russell Brand Now Has an Evil-Repelling Magic Amulet to Sell You

Ever wonder what all that Satanic energy from airport WiFi might be doing to your brain? No? Tin foil hats on, folks, for a public service announcement from your least favorite disgraced comedian.

Russell Brand’s latest video plug features the 49-year-old alleged rapist turned far-right Bible-thumper emerging from the bushes (don’t ask) to inform the world in a herald of rousing music that salvation from electromagnetic signals is, at last, at hand in the form of super-special and totally real “magical amulets.”

This veritable wizardry apparently comes courtesy of EMF-protection company Aires Tech at the perfectly reasonable price of just $239.99. Oh, and don’t worry about the bluetooth mic he’s wearing. Or the fact this is an online video. Questions are where the Devil gets in.

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Eboni Boykin-Patterson, Matt Wilstein

“Hello, I’m just back from Narnia where I had a holiday–Mr. Tumnus, Aslan, all those guys,” Brand says, in an apparent bid at comedy. “As you know, airports are places full of WiFi and all sorts of evil energies—think of all the phones out there, all of the signals, corruptible and corrupting.”

“Luckily, I wear this magical amulet from Aires Tech that keeps me safe from all of the various signals out there. It also means, look at this, look,” he goes on, raising and lowering an obnoxiously yellow suitcase. “Look at how strong I am, I think this is making me more powerful as a matter of fact, look at that.”

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Dan Ladden-Hall, Martha Mercer

Not that many would necessarily wish more power on the notorious thesaurus enthusiast after he was accused of rape, sexual assault, and emotional abuse by five women in September 2023.

Denying those allegations and leaning heavily into conspiracy theories about “media corruption and censorship” as well as “deep state and corporate collusion,” Brand has since reinvented himself as a right-wing Christian influencer—a sacred path that has apparently necessitated performing baptisms in his underwear and holding shoeless prayer sessions with the likes of Tucker Carlson.

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Helen Holmes, Matt Wilstein

Most recently, the alleged sex pest has sought to further impress his newfound spirituality upon the world with an online video claiming to have found God in the midst of Hurricane Milton. “What an incredible reassurance it is to know that I am redeemed,” he wrote in a subsequent post.

It’s divine forgiveness, stupid.