In her first episode since America got its first glimpses of the Mueller report, Samantha Bee noted how “weird” it is that all those times President Trump screamed “No collusion!” he was “technically telling the truth.” The Full Frontal host added, “Maybe Ted Cruz's dad actually did kill JFK!”
“You know, it’s not bad news that we just found out the U.S. president didn't illegally collude with Putin. That’s great!” Bee admitted. “Good job Trump for probably not doing a crime so crazy it sounded like an episode of 24 as written by MAD magazine.”
“That is an incredibly low bar, but you cleared it,” she continued. “And we know that clearing things low on the ground is your biggest fear. The truth is impeachment was always just a beautiful dream. I think most of us knew that, something to get us through the long slog of Trump's presidency like thinking about Tom Hardy during boring sex with Tom Hiddleston.”
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“But that doesn't make the gloating on the right any more bearable,” Bee said, pointing to the Fox & Friends victory lap in particular. “Oh no, Doocy learned how to read! Pretty soon he's going to learn how to open doors.”
“And Trump's TV family are not the only ones celebrating,” she added. “Now that Trump has shown that the glove doesn't fit, he's announcing his intent to catch the real killer: Democrats.”
In response to Trump threatening “the other side,” Bee said, “It's nuts to act like the Mueller investigation was just a Democratic smear job. For one thing, it wasn't Democrats. “A Republican deputy AG appointed a Republican special counsel after a Republican FBI director got fired. Remember, this was mid-2017. Democrats had no power to mount a witch hunt. They were so far in the wilderness they were stuck under that rock from 127 Hours!”
The host also went after the president for telling TV news producers to stop booking guests who suggested he may have colluded with Russia. “Wow, usually when he writes to TV producers, it’s to ask them to hide footage of him saying the ‘n-word.’” Speaking on behalf of all TV producers, Bee told Trump to “fuck off.”
“Telling news programs to blacklist the president's enemies is a clear attack on the freedom of the press,” Bee said. “Also, since when did you have a problem with lying on TV? Lying on TV is Kellyanne Conway’s entire resume.”
“Of course, Russia stuff is only one of the many accusations that Donald Trump is facing,” she added later. “It may have been the only one likely to get him impeached, but he's still facing allegations of campaign finance violations and tax fraud. And as always, let's remember, Donald Trump admitted to sexual assault.”
“The Mueller report was never going to fix our democracy,” Bee continued. “Thinking it would is like thinking bangs would fix your personality. There's a lot more wrong and it's harder to change. The Russian government was able to hack our elections and destabilize our democracy. The president chose an attorney general who said he didn't believe it was possible for a sitting president to be indicted. We have a Senate majority leader who previously kept intelligence about Russian hacking from the public and then this week blocked a motion to have the full report released.”
“You don't need the Mueller report to tell you will that Trump is a bad, corrupt man,” she said. “He is just one part of what has gone horribly wrong with our government and the best way to make real change is by winning an election. No one is coming to save us but us. In the end, the real Robert Mueller was inside us all along.”
