Once again, Samantha Bee is the only female host in late-night television. So it was up to her Wednesday night to give the definitive take on Alabama’s extreme new abortion ban bill.
“I have a confession,” the host said at the top of this week’s Full Frontal. “Last night, I completely bailed on Alyssa Milano’s sex strike. Shrek was on, I got very riled up. Ooh, the things I would do to that gingerbread man.”
“Clearly the strike didn’t work anyway,” she continued. “Today Alabama effectively banned abortion from conception with no exceptions for rape and incest. Speaking of Alabama, ‘no exceptions for rape and incest’ is also Roy Moore’s dating profile.”
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Bee went on to warn that while Alabama’s bill is the “most far-reaching abortion ban this year, it is not alone,” pointing to so-called “heartbeat bills” in Ohio and Mississippi that do essentially the same thing. “I guess men don’t love anything more than policing women’s bodies,” she said. “The one thing all these bills have in common is because the people involved have no fucking idea how the internal reproductive system works. So that’s why I’m going to do something that should have been done decades ago: I’m going to teach sex ed to senators.”
With that, Bee strapped on a decorative vest and said, “Welcome to class, you fucking idiots.” Her lessons included “we don’t know we’re pregnant the moment it happens” and “you can’t reimplant ectopic pregnancies,” as one Ohio lawmaker has proposed.
As for a Georgia law that says a woman can be “investigated” after a miscarriage to see if she actually received an abortion, Bee said, “What the people who wrote this law clearly don’t understand is that miscarriage is common,” adding, “To put it in perspective for you male senators, it would be like if cops showed up every time you miracle-whipped into your wife’s good towels and accused you of genocide, except different because you never wanted to bring your shame tadpoles to term.”
And Bee did not give politicians on the left a pass either. During a section titled “What even is an abortion?” she went after male 2020 candidates Beto O’Rourke and Bernie Sanders, who said that women terminating a pregnancy “up until the moment of birth” was “very, very rare”—“It isn’t rare, it is nonexistent,” she said.
“You guys really, really need to get your facts straight,” Bee told them. “Because if you don’t, the right takes it and runs it all the way to hell.” In response to President Trump claiming parents are deciding whether or not to “execute” a baby after birth, she fired back, “No, they don’t! That would be homicide.”
“Look, there are plenty of crazy positions on the left,” Bee continued. “For example, I believe the term ‘manatee’ is too gendered. But no one is advocating for legalizing baby murder.”
“These laws are designed to oppress and control and ultimately overturn Roe v. Wade,” she concluded. “And if they succeed, they will directly result in death and poverty for women and other vulnerable people. But it is especially fucked up that the people doing the regulating wouldn’t recognize a vulva if it bit them in the face.”
And yes, she told the senators, “They all bite.”
For more, listen to Samantha Bee on this week’s episode of The Last Laugh podcast below.
