Seth Meyers really wanted to talk about the executive order that Donald Trump’s team drafted to seize voting machines in the aftermath of the 2020 election. But first he had to address what Fox News was focused on instead.
“It seems like almost every day we get new details about the threat to our democracy posed by Trump and his cronies as they plotted to overturn the 2020 election,” the Late Night host began. “So naturally, Fox News has been laser-focused on the issues that matter most to Americans.”
He was of course talking about the latest culture war outrage about changes to the animated M&M’s characters, or as they are calling it a “woke makeover.”
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After sharing the very real rant from Tucker Carlson about efforts to make the cartoon chocolates “less sexy,” Meyers added, “This used to be a country where you could get aroused by candy. Where you, a hot-blooded youth, could be watching TV with your girlfriend and the green M&M would come on screen with her full lips and tantalizing white boots and you’d have to excuse yourself to take a cold shower or go for a long bike ride.”
“And the next morning your girlfriend would say, ‘Are you OK? You seem distant,’” he continued. “And you wouldn’t have the heart to tell her that you were distant because you no longer felt any attraction to her dull, flesh-colored human face as you now realized a truth that is self-evident: Pure sexuality comes in a green, button-shaped package with an alluring candy shell.”
Finally, the elaborate story brought Meyers to a convenience store where he bought a bag of M&Ms and got a “knowing nod” from the cashier, “because as an American man, he understood what you wanted: to fuck a piece of candy.”
“But I’m sorry to say, we don’t live in that country anymore,” he concluded, before pivoting to actual news.
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