Seth Meyers made a point of not addressing Donald Trump—at least not by name—during his Golden Globes monologue on Sunday, preferring instead to focus on other (alleged) sexual predators. So when he returned to New York on Tuesday night after a long hiatus from Late Night, he was eager to catch up on everything he’d missed.
It was a lot.
“Every day, Donald Trump continues to prove that he’s an increasingly erratic president who’s unfit for his job,” the host began. “And now, he’s apparently working even fewer hours and neglecting urgent issues.”
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In the weeks since Meyers was last on the air, Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury has become both a best-seller and wreaked all kinds of chaos within Trump’s White House and elsewhere in the conservative landscape. The book has forced the president to battle the impression that “even his closest aides believe him to be dangerously unfit for office.”
But while Trump “knows virtually nothing about the job” of being president, Meyers said, “You would think that a man who ran on a platform of pure patriotism and who spent months lecturing athletes about respecting the National Anthem would at the very least know the words to the anthem.”
As America learned Monday night, that is not the case.
“Trump sings the National Anthem the way the rest of us sing ‘Despacito,’” Meyers joked. “Seriously, how can you be president and not know the words to the National Anthem? That’s like Peyton Manning not knowing the words to the Nationwide jingle.”
Meyers went on to hit Trump for spending the first several hours of the day on what is generously called “executive time” but really means watching morning television until 11 a.m. “All I do is make fun of him and I still have to be here at 9 a.m.,” he said. “Trump might be our first president who works so little he technically qualifies for unemployment.”
But there was nothing that seemed to get under Meyers’ skin more than Stephen Miller’s sycophantic massaging of Trump’s ego on State of the Union with Jake Tapper this past weekend. “Ugh, I would say Stephen Miller has a boner, but he already is one,” the host said. “Seriously, he looks like someone slapped a couple of googly eyes on a penis.”
“Is there anyone creepier than Stephen Miller?” Meyers asked, digging in. “He wasn’t born, he just appeared after someone read an Edgar Allan Poe story into a cracked mirror.”
“Miller claims he’s in touch with the working class, but he pronounces words like a British dandy,” he continued, adding, “To borrow a phrase Stephen Miller might use: Stephen Miller is a wanker…with googly eyes.”
As for the argument that Trump beat a field of 17 “incredibly talented” Republican candidates, Meyers said that field included a “narcoleptic” (Ben Carson), a “malfunctioning robot” (Marco Rubio), a “sentient butter sculpture” (Ted Cruz), and “a guy who was almost suffocated by his own hoodie” (Jeb Bush).
