Given the speed at which the news cycle is moving these days, it would be impossible for a late-night host to take a two-week vacation and not miss some pretty major stories, like a former president dozing off during a certain, historic criminal hush-money trial—and more than once.
It’s a lesson Seth Meyers learned the hard way this month, but he was back with a vengeance on Monday and ready to recap all the wildest news stories he missed. While Donald Trump’s courtroom siestas were an obvious topic of conversation for the Late Night host to catch up on, he was much more interested in—and outraged by—Kristi Noem’s bizarre decision to write about the time she murdered her puppy.
In a new memoir, aptly titled No Going Back (which likely sums up her chances of being named Trump’s running mate), the South Dakota governor described the 14-month-old wirehaired pointer named Cricket as “untrainable,” “less than worthless… as a hunting dog,” and “dangerous to anyone she came into contact with.”
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“I hated that dog,” wrote Noem, who seemed proud to explain how she shot and killed the pup.
“She thought telling that story would make her look cool,” Meyers marveled. “What’s going on? Does she think cats can vote? And even if they could, those lazy sons of bitches aren’t going to wait in line at a high school for three hours.”
Still, Meyers could not wrap his head around any of the logic behind Noem’s chilling admission. “It’s horrible enough to kill a dog, but even crazier to brag about it,” he said. “That’s a level of psycho I didn’t even know existed. Even Buffalo Bill [from The Silence of the Lambs] had the self-awareness to keep his abhorrent behavior indoors. He didn’t walk around town saying, ‘Hey, check out my new outfit. It’s a skin suit!’”
Meyers seemed unsure about whether to laugh or scream at Noem’s attempt to seemingly walk back the details of her canicide by taking to X (formerly Twitter) to explain that “tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm,” while sharing that she just had to “put down 3 horses a few weeks ago.”
“Way to change the narrative,” said Meyers, mockingly. “‘Yeah, I killed a dog. But in my defense: also, three horses.’”
“Sleep with your eyes open, donkey,” Meyers warned.
