After making a nightmare of its Halloween-themed opening just days before Oct. 31, Saturday Night Live took a more straightforward approach to this week’s cold open, which rehashed the most recent—and most unhinged—Republican debate. All of the night’s biggest moments were revisited: Nikki Haley (Heidi Gardner) calling Vivek Ramaswamy (Ego Nwodin) “scum”; Tim Scott (Devon Walker) proudly showing off his new girlfriend; Ron DeSantis (John Higgins) desperately attempting to smile like a normal human being; and Chris Christie (Molly Kearny) just being invited to play along once again.
But rather than just replay the events of Wednesday’s debate, James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump crashed the party to trash talk each one of his Republican rivals. “How adorable,” Trump said of his fellow Republicans. “They actually think they’ve got a chance. Sad in some ways, but in other ways: funny.”
“Can you believe it folks? Ninety-one indictments, four trials, and I’m still the best choice,” Trump bragged, before picking apart each one of his presidential rivals—beginning with “poor Tim Scott,” who is just barely holding on with 1 percent of the vote. “Very low. Lower than, frankly, milk,” according to Trump. He also isn’t too impressed with the seeming lack of chemistry between Scott and his new girlfriend, who he says makes him and Melania “look like Taylor and Travis.”
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Next up was Ramaswamy, whom Trump admitted has a lot going for him: “He’s rich. He’s rude. He’s got weird hair. He’s a lot like me except for one thing that matters a lot to my horrible, horrible base: White!”
As for Ron DeSantis, Trump claimed that even SNL clearly doesn’t think he has a chance of getting much further in the election. If they did, according to Johnson’s Trump, they’d have someone like “Paul Rudd or something” playing him. Haley was an easy one for Trump to shoot down: “President Nikki just doesn’t sound right. Probably because it’s a woman’s name.”
“And how could we forget Chris Christie,” Trump asked, then answered his own question: “It’s actually pretty easy: You just walk away.”
Ultimately, Trump admitted that it was pretty “sad” that none of these candidates had a chance of beating Joe Biden—“the worst president since, frankly, me.”
As for why Trump couldn’t be at the debate, that one was easy: He’s been very busy… traveling from court to court. “I’m going from trial to trial. I’m basically doing House Hunters, but with courtrooms.”
