Like every major late-night host except Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert was on vacation last week, which meant he missed out on the height of the Matt Gaetz sex-trafficking scandal. But with new developments unfolding every single day, the Late Show host caught up in earnest Wednesday night. And he did not hold back.
Colbert began with the “blanket pardon” Rep. Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly sought from Donald Trump, joking, “Oh, I don’t think the blanket wants a pardon. I think it wants to be burned. It’s seen too much.”
“Gaetz wanted a preemptive pardon for any illegal activity he’s ever done, like innocent people do,” the host continued. “And he had reason to believe he might get that pardon because of his close relationship to the former president.”
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From there, he shared actual passages from Gaetz’s recent book in which he brags that he fielded calls from Trump while “on the throne, on airplanes, and in the club.” Colbert added, “The president has called me everywhere: while I was lurking in the bushes of a high school, while I was making fake IDs, even while I was tutoring my girlfriend for the SATs.”
The congressman even boasted that Trump called him while he was “in the throes of passion” and he answered. “Thinking about Matt Gaetz having sex, I’m in the throws of up,” Colbert joked.
Noting that Gaetz didn’t get his pardon because Trump’s lawyers thought it would set a “bad precedent,” Colbert asked, “Do you know how shady you have to be for number 45’s lawyers to go, ‘No, that’s a bad look?’” He imagined them adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I just farted on camera, my head is leaking and I’m late for my press conference outside the crematorium dildo shop.”
Finally, the host pointed out the intense irony of Gaetz making an upcoming speech to a conservative women’s group on one of Trump’s golf courses. “You could say that’s putting the fox in the henhouse, but Gaetz would rather hang out with the eggs.”
“His speech is part of a gala dinner which has a theme of ‘Americana, featuring BBQ, boots, and bluegrass,’” Colbert added. “Not to be confused with Gaetz’s usual theme of ‘Molly, minors, and mandatory minimums.’” He then concluded with, “The group has received a lot of criticism for booking Gaetz, but they defended the decision, and called Gaetz a ‘fearless leader in D.C.’ Yes, Gaetz fears nothing, except the parents of whoever he’s texting.”
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