Stephen Colbert admittedly had some trouble making fun of the Democratic National Convention last week. Thankfully, the Republican National Convention delivered him the gifts of Kimberly Guilfoyle and Donald Trump Jr.
Going live after the RNC Monday night, The Late Show host began with the speech shouted into the void by “Trump Jr. girlfriend and vengeful banshee who will haunt your dreams, Kimberly Guilfoyle, who screamed this message of hope.”
“If you want to see the socialist Biden-Harris future for our country, just take a look at California!” Guilfoyle exclaimed in her unhinged address.
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“I’m trying to look at California, but there’s fire everywhere because of climate change,” Colbert replied before pointing out that Guilfoyle’s ex-husband is current California Governor Gavin Newsom. “I’m guessing that was not an amicable split,” he added. “But I think I know who was awarded custody of the rage, because when it came to the president’s agenda, she had some very nuanced screams.”
When Colbert finally aired the dramatic conclusion of her six-minute speech, he ended up hiding under his chair. “Is the loud lady gone?” he asked. “I’m scared! This is the first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-SPAN. I’m glad we already had our kids because I think if I was too close to the TV, I might have been sterilized by that.”
Soon, the host moved on to Donald Trump Jr.’s speech, which, like his girlfriend’s, was taped in advance. “According to one campaign aide, Don Jr. represents the emotional center of the MAGA universe,” he said. “Makes sense. He’s like a black hole in that he sucks.” Perhaps recognizing that that joke was a little soft, Colbert then added, “It was his keynote address, in that he looked like he had snorted a key.”
“So before I tell you what he said, can we zoom in on Junior’s sweaty face and wet, bloodshot eyes?” Colbert asked. “Either he’s high or that’s what happens when you live in the splash zone of Screamin’ Guilfoyle. Just bring a poncho!”
Then, in response to Trump Jr. asking viewers to “imagine” a better life for themselves, Colbert added, “And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house. And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, how did I get here? And why is my girlfriend screaming?”
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