Between the Michael Cohen hearing and President Trump’s North Korea summit, Stephen Colbert picked a hell of a week to go on vacation.
The Late Show host was back in action Monday night, doing his best to catch up on a ton of news. Explaining that he likes to “unplug” from the crazy when he takes time off, Colbert said he had started to take a “couple sips of the poison so it doesn’t kill you on day one back.”
His first indication “that the orange man was feeling blue” came during Trump’s “historically long and epically weird” speech on Saturday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, “or DBAG.”
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It started out with Trump “dry-humping Old Glory,” which Colbert said led to “the first time a flag has ever volunteered to be burned.” He joked that the president hugging the American flag went over well with everyone in the room except for Donald Trump Jr., who shouted, “I hate the new baby.”
“Then Trump attacked the Mueller investigation,” Colbert said, before warning, “If there are any children watching, please warn them that the president is about to speak.” On Trump calling the probe “bullshit,” the host added, “Very presidential. I’m reminded of Abraham Lincoln’s famous declaration, ‘Hey, Robert E. Lee, fuck you!’”
Later in his speech, Trump insisted that he was being sarcastic when he urged Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails in 2016, but Colbert wasn’t buying it. “You weren’t joking,” he said. “In fact, you were even asked about it.” After playing a clip of Trump telling MSNBC’s Katy Tur that the comments gave him “no pause,” Colbert said, “Now, that’s pretty damning video. That’s why it’s part of the new collection: ‘Donald Trump’s Campaign Bloopers and Practical Treason.’”
Of course, Colbert had to get in a few jokes about the Cohen testimony, including the former fixer’s confession that he lied to Melania Trump on the president’s behalf about his extramarital affair with Stormy Daniels.
“Always the sign of a healthy relationship,” he said, adding as Trump, “‘Babe, I never cheated on you. Now, I’d prefer if any further questions about my affection and loyalty go to my lawyer, who has prepared a signed affidavit attesting that I love you.’”
“On the other side of the aisle, Republicans didn’t even bother asking Cohen a single substantive question,” Colbert said. “Instead, they just called him a liar.”
“Saying we shouldn’t believe Cohen because he lied in the past isn’t a good argument,” he added. “Trump hired him to be his liar. That’s why he wanted someone who knows about crimes and affairs. He wanted a dirtbag lawyer, he didn’t want Atticus Finch!”
Morphing into the iconic attorney from To Kill a Mockingbird, Colbert said, “Ladies and gentlemen, this porn star has not produced one iota of evidence that the affair Donald Trump is charged with ever took place.”
Then, quoting Cohen’s iconic threats against The Daily Beast, he added, “So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. Do you understand me? In the name of God, do your duty and take this check for $130,000 and shut your mouth, sir!”
