Stephen Colbert opened his Late Show monologue by saying he’d “always hoped to live to see the end of the COVID safety precautions.” He just didn’t think it would happen “out of the blue” when a federal judge struck down the CDC’s mask mandate for airplanes and public transportation.
“No surprise, the ruling comes from a Tampa-based federal judge,” the host remarked. “You can’t let Florida make health decisions for the entire country! That’s not smart. The Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth!”
Colbert went on to question Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle’s reasoning that the CDC’s power was limited to “things like cleaning property” and “wearing a mask cleans nothing.” She added, “At most, it traps virus droplets.”
ADVERTISEMENT
“That’s the mask’s job, you dummy! So my droplets don’t get on you!” he fired back. “That’s like saying, ‘This diaper is useless, every time I put one on my baby, it fills up with poop.’”
Then, noting that the “genius jurist” was appointed by Donald Trump after he lost the 2020 election, Colbert revealed that she received a “not qualified” rating from the American Bar Association and had never even tried a case before.
And as for the airline passengers who found out that the mandate had been lifted by a pilot who congratulated them mid-flight, Colbert said, “Congratulations is an odd way to announce the lifting of a safety measure.”
“People can take this news however they want,” he ultimately concluded, “but it’s unfair for people who might be immunocompromised or flying with unvaxxed kids to change the rules mid-flight. That’s like being told halfway through a dinner party that it’s an orgy.”
For more, listen and subscribe to The Last Laugh podcast.
