Get ready for some serious 7 a.m. rage-tweeting.
This week Saturday Night Live, already one of the president’s least-favorite programs, kicked off its latest episode with its most star-studded cold open yet.
First there was Ben Stiller’s Michael Cohen, who phoned President Trump (Alec Baldwin) to first tell him how much he misses his beloved boss, and then express worry about how they’re “in big trouble” over “the Stormy Daniels payment.” Though Cohen believes the line is secure, the FBI are listening in. In a panic, Cohen—juggling a pair of burner phones—accidentally calls Dr. Harold Bornstein (played by Martin Short!), Trump’s wacky doctor who recently accused the president of dictating his doctor’s note and later, in an act of Propecia-fueled revenge, sending a few of his goons to raid his office and steal his personal medical files.
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“Michael, I’m glad you called,” said Short’s Dr. Bornstein. “Someone broke into my office and stole my files. I guess you could say I was RAPED…RAPED!”
Next came Rudy Giuliani (played by Kate McKinnon!) who got patched in with Cohen and Trump to strategize, with Cohen suggesting, “Guys, can we please decide on one lie and stick to it? Because our stories are all over the place.”
McKinnon’s Giuliani then boasted, “I’m supposed to do 25 more talk-show appearances today, and I’m trying to make it like an advent calendar where I reveal one new crime on each show”—a nod to his recent appearance on Hannity where he alleged that President Trump knew about the $130,000 Stormy Daniels hush payment and reimbursed Cohen for it.
But wait, there was more. Cohen rang Aidy Bryant’s Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Cecily Strong’s Melania Trump, Leslie Jones’ Omarosa Manigault-Newman, Beck Bennett’s Mike Pence, and Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, played by Scarlett Johansson and Jimmy Fallon.
After much back-and-forth, President Trump issued an order to Cohen: “Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all.”
And with that, Cohen called up Daniels…and the real Stormy Daniels appeared on the other line.
Before long, President Trump had kicked Cohen off the line to flirt with Daniels. “OK Michael, I can take it from here. Whatup, girl? Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act,” said Trump.
“I work in adult films. We’re not really known for our acting,” Daniels replied.
“Just tell me,” pleaded Trump, “what do you need for this to all go away?”
Then Daniels: “A resignation?”
“Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn: once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up—and speaking of poles being up…” said Trump, before grimacing and clenching the desk. “Oh, come on. We’ll always have Shark Week. I solved North and South Korea, why can’t I solve us?”
“Sorry Donald, it’s too late for that,” offered Daniels. “I know you don’t believe in climate change, but a storm’s a-comin’, baby.”
