Are you the most active and civic-minded member of your community, consistently hosting group phone banking and canvassing trips to Pennsylvania and Nevada? Do you have strong opinions, the courage to voice them and faith in the promise of America?
If yes, maybe you’ve considered running for public office, but aren’t sure you have what it takes. The responsibility can be intimidating but we’re here to help at The Daily Beast: Please take a few minutes to answer the questions in the quiz below, and see if you have the leadership skills necessary to become the next member of congress, senator or even President of the United States.
1. Have you ever found a bear carcass on the side of the road, thrown it in your car trunk and then driven to New York City to dump it in Central Park, stumping the police for weeks?
ADVERTISEMENT
2. Have you ever incited an insurrection to prevent the peaceful transfer of power following a presidential election, encouraging your supporters to siege the Capitol dressed in animal pelts and superhero costumes?
3. Have you ever been served a subpoena to sit for a deposition in a civil lawsuit involving allegations that you had sex with a minor?
4. Have you ever been thrown out of a performance of the touring company of the musical Beetlejuice for vaping—and groping?
5. Have you ever shot a puppy?
6. Have you ever cheated on your pregnant wife with a porn star, denied it and paid off the porn star, only to be charged with 34 counts of felony charges?
7. Have you ever said that a wildfire in California was started by a laser “beamed from space and controlled by a prominent Jewish banking family with connections to powerful Democrats”?
8. Have you ever pleaded guilty to using campaign funds to shop at Hermes and buy OnlyFans subscriptions?
9. Have you ever been convicted of taking bribes from the Egyptian government while sitting on the Senate’s Foreign Relations Committee—oh, and while on trial, instruct your lawyers to blame your wife while she was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer?
10. Have you ever described women who haven’t given birth as “childless cat ladies who are miserable (in) their own lives”?
11. Have you ever encouraged your supporters to “strap on a Glock” to be ready for the 2024 elections?
12. Did you, or anyone with whom you were close, go to jail for running an extensive network of underage girls for sex? If it was someone with whom you were close, did you refer to him as “a terrific guy”?
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are qualified to join a race for Congress or Senate. Go straight to your local party headquarters and sign up! If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, go directly to the White House!
God bless you and God bless the United States.
Gaby Allan is an Emmy- winning writer of Veep and Scrubs.
[1] RFK Jr. | [2] Former President Donald Trump | [3] Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) | [4] Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-CO) | [5] Govenor Kristi Noem (R-SD) | [6] Trump again | [7] Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) | [8] Former New York Congressman George Santos (R-NY) | [9] Former Senator Bob Menendez (D-NJ) | [10] Senator JD Vance (R-OH) | [11] Kari Lake | [12] Trump again... again.
