When I socialize with men, I used to hear them discuss sports gambling. Now, they brag about investments in cryptocurrencies, NFTs, meme stocks, buzzy SPACs, and shady tech ETFs. I would approve of these so-called assets if I knew my bros only spent what they could afford to lose, but my dude friends keep telling me, “These are the best investments I can make. I’m going to make a killing. I’m putting all my money in this coin, and you should too!”
“You should have a diversified portfolio of index funds and ETFs,” I say.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Cherie,” they reply. “You need to watch this YouTube video and do your research!”
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Every woman I know has had this conversation with men in their lives. Since March 2020, more and more men have traded stocks every day. They’ll buy one tech stock and sell the next based on advice from Reddit. Even worse, many are piling their future retirement money into bitcoin or the one thing more speculative than bitcoin: sketchy new cryptocurrencies pumped (and later dumped) by influencers, celebrities, and even porn stars. When women try to talk sense into men, we all hear the same reply: “Go do your research!”
I’ve done my research, and I’ve found that people who invest in speculative manias lose their shirts. Everyone from the Securities and Exchange Commission to researchers in Taiwan see that most day traders lose money. Most professional traders lose money, too. Between 2011 and 2021, the S&P 500 index fund outperformed “top” hedge funds. The average joe should put their investment funds in a Roth IRA or IRA invested in diversified index funds and ETFs. Under no circumstances should anyone invest their entire retirement in a new cryptocurrency promoted by an Instagram model or obnoxious tech CEO.
When I sent this actual research to my male friends, they were uninterested and told me I was behind the times. Men are basically pussy-blind to cryptocurrencies. So, I decided to teach them a lesson or two with my actual pussy.
On Tax Day, I’m releasing a porno called Suze Whoreman. In the film, a heterosexual couple struggles because the male keeps wasting money on NFTs. His girlfriend takes him to see a financial adviser, thinking she’s the lesbian finance icon Suze Orman, but it’s Suze Whoreman (played by me, of course). I then dominate the male until he starts investing in index funds and ETFs instead of ape-branded crypto junk. By the end of our fuck session, he’s an index fund-addicted Boglehead.
The video sounds ridiculous, but we need to act silly to straighten out male finances. Men love crypto, monkey NFTs, and speculative assets because they appeal to men’s risk-prone brains. According to the National Library of Medicine, 150 studies show that men take more risks than women, and men are twice as likely to gamble as women. Men refuse to listen to investment advice because it’s boring. Meanwhile, gambling addiction specialists told CNBC that Robinhood (day trader’s favorite app) resembles a casino. Women are OK with boring advice (Fidelity Investments found women invest 40 percent better than men), but we need to teach men in a way that will get their attention. And what do men love more than gambling? Sex. I’m educating through porn because it will get males’ attention.
Sure, it might be “problematic” to talk in such banal fashion about an entire gender. But as a porn star who caters to males’ secret desires, I know a thing or two about men.
The stakes are too high not to rely on porn as a financial education platform. Following the 2000 tech bubble crash, many day traders stopped investing because they considered investing a waste of cash. Then they lost out on the bull run. If young men don’t invest well today, they may struggle to retire. And when older people struggle to retire and pay their bills, we all get stuck holding the check. I’ll fuck whoever I have to so we can save males’ future retirement accounts.
I didn’t film Suze Whoreman because I wanted to. I filmed it because I had to. If financial advisers can’t wake them up, I’ll use my tits and ass to do the work for them because porn is the ass-set (pun intended) that I’ve got.
