In this Friday’s San Andreas, The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson) finds himself in the middle of a catastrophic crisis when a historic earthquake strikes the California coast. In its purest form, it’s a saga that pits The Rock against a natural disaster, which got us thinking: If The Rock can punch out an earthquake, against what else might he conceivably do battle? Having solidified his standing as America’s undisputed larger-than-life action star, The Rock now necessitates foes as gargantuan as his own bulging biceps and titanic trapezius muscles. While San Andreas is an admirable next step in his conquest of the silver screen, it should be merely the start of an era in which the former WWE idol takes on comers of all colossal shapes and sizes. Thus, in an effort to help him choose his next endeavor, we’ve come up with ten potential future projects for the star that, in one way or another, are truly Rock Size.
Rockzilla (aka The Rock Vs. Godzilla)
On a trip to Tokyo for his 15th wedding anniversary, New York City fireman Rock Waterman (The Rock) finds his matrimonial celebration interrupted by the reappearance of the famed dino-monster, Godzilla. When his wife, Shirley (Kate Beckinsale), is taken hostage by the radioactive beast, all-out war ensues, with Waterman eventually rescuing his beloved, and striking back against the creature—by taking control of a tribal-tattooed mecha-war machine known as Rockzilla.
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Bam Bam Bigotry (aka The Rock Vs. Racism)
In a near-future America, the culture wars have escalated to dangerous levels, with the country under attack by those who would seek to institutionalize intolerance as the rule of law. In this fractured environment, mixed-race freedom fighter Rock Margarita (The Rock) stands as the middle road between rampant permissiveness and hateful prejudice. It’s a position that puts him not only on the outs with the country’s more liberal elements, but more dangerously still, places him in direct opposition to a new fiend known as Xenophobia Joe (Michael Fassbender), who seeks to destroy Rock Margarita and, in doing so, create a new Racist World Order.
Rock N Rolls (aka The Rock Vs. Obesity)
Having won the nation’s heart as an Olympic shot put champion, gold medalist Rock Goldenheimer (The Rock) is named by Barack Obama to be chairman of the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition. No sooner has he received that honor, though, then Goldenheimer is pitted against an evil overweight villain known as Butterball (Peter Sarsgaard, in a latex suit) who—driven by his resentment at a country increasingly disdainful of the junk food and soda that fuels his metabolically screwy body—plans to make the nation’s children obese through popular new bread products laced with super-carbohydrates.
The Winds of Change (aka The Rock Vs. Climate Change)
Rock Jabroni (The Rock) is a Texas good ol’ boy who drinks beer, drives a pickup truck, and votes Republican on every issue—especially those that relate to the environment. However, when a series of puzzling mega-tornadoes strike his area, and the worst of them destroys his farm and kills his family in the process, Jabroni turns to the Internet, and finds possible answers to this phenomenon in the arguments of discredited vice president-turned-video blogger Al Gore (Al Gore). Teaming with the former VP, Jabroni sets out to uncover the truth about climate change, a search that leads him to the remote corners of the globe, and ultimately to the farthest reaches of the North Pole, where he must finally face off against a wrathful Mother Nature (Helen Mirren).
Rock-tastic Voyage (aka The Rock Vs. Cancer)
Lauded for pioneering a new drug that cures 98 percent of all cancer, Rock Antidoté (The Rock) is a hero to both the nation and his lung cancer-survivor adopted daughter, Purity (Abigail Breslin). Yet as the country revels in its newfound triumph over disease, Cancer (Jamie Foxx) strikes back via a highly contagious new form that involves metastasizing at previously unheard-of rates. Targeting Purity in particular, Cancer threatens to wipe out the entire human race in 48 hours unless Antidoté can decipher Cancer’s new code and create an antidote—a mission that involves him shrinking to miniature size and entering Purity’s body in order to battle Cancer on its own microscopic turf.
Pluto’s Revenge (aka The Rock Vs. Pluto)
Ever since he was a young boy growing up in New Zealand, Kiwi astronomer Rock Kirk (The Rock) has been fascinated by the stars. Now renowned in his field, Kirk discovers, during a routine evening telescoping session, that the planet Pluto has seemingly moved from its usual orbital position, and in fact has drawn closer to the Earth. Ignored by his colleagues, Kirk struggles to understand how such a situation could be possible—until, that is, he receives a message from the planet indicating that, because of humanity’s attempts to reclassify it as a “dwarf planet” rather than a fully fledged one, Pluto is now royally pissed off, and coming to Earth hell-bent on vengeance.
Hipster Holocaust (aka The Rock Vs. Hipsters)
Having seized complete control of Brooklyn, New York, bowler-hatted American hipsters—led by a cabal known as Suspender Nation—now seek to expand their coffee shop-and-indie rock dominion elsewhere. Settling on Hawaii as their next conquest, these malevolent mustachioed marauders find their plans complicated by Rock Kalua (The Rock), a legendary surfer who embodies the island state’s welcoming, hang-loose spirit. Enlisting the help of his Polynesian brothers, and using his tropical homeland’s lush landscape to his strategic advantage, Kalua sets out to protect his brood and send the invading hipster hordes back to Williamsburg.
Rock Messiah (aka The Rock Vs. Jesus)
It’s the year 2075, and a nuclear war between the planet’s geopolitical superpowers has resulted in a horrifying post-apocalyptic landscape. After years spent trawling the scorched-earth wasteland for supplies, a lone warrior known as Rock Jericho (The Rock) comes upon a desert community known as Eden, where the people believe that the End Times have truly arrived, and that the Lord’s return is imminent. Initially unconvinced by these fanciful religious beliefs, Jericho is soon convinced by clues provided by a beautiful single mother (Halle Berry) and her adolescent son that Jesus may, in fact, be coming back—and that his plan is to finish off humanity once and for all.
Rock Off (aka The Rock Vs. Alcatraz)
San Francisco super-cop Rock Magnum (The Rock) has never been one for conspiracy theories, so when a young perp (Shia LaBeouf) informs him that North Korea is set to attack the Golden Gate city, he scoffs at the notion. Magnum’s skepticism is shaken, however, when he begins hearing increasingly strange reports about shady business taking place on Alcatraz. When an attempt to take a tour to the island fails under mysterious circumstances, Magnum takes it upon himself to sneak onto The Rock, where he uncovers a sinister plot that leads all the way to Kim Jong-un.
Rock2 (aka The Rock Vs. The Rock)
Auto body shop owner Rock Shiftman (The Rock) is a former Mr. Olympia now struggling to provide for his wife (Milla Jovovich) and two kids in run-down Detroit. When wealthy Michigan captain-of-industry Deerborne Lucifer (Michael Caine) drops off his ultra-luxury Maybach for repairs, Shiftman is stunned, but accepts the job—not realizing that the car is designed to capture samples of the mechanic’s DNA in order to create a race of working-class He-Man clones which Lucifer intends to use to take over the country. The result is an epic throwdown that pits The Rock against his greatest adversary ever: himself.
