When questioned recently about running mate J.D. Vance, Donald Trump offered this full-throated defense: “Historically, the vice president in terms of the election, does not have any impact.”
Trump has replaced life partners before and, according to Republican Party rules, there’s still time to ditch Vance… but only if he’s willing to step aside. To do that convincingly, Vance would need a good excuse. Unfortunately, there isn’t one. But here are 15 bad excuses that Vance could use.
1. Caught a brain worm from RFK Jr.
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2. Decided to change his name again… this time to J.D. Salinger and become a recluse.
3. Got tired of Don Jr. Baby Reindeer-ing him with a 1,000 texts a day.
4. Missed his old friends who, for some reason, got angry when he denied their right to exist.
5. The bean bag he was dating on the side threatened to go public.
The bean bag in question chose not to comment about any relationship with J.D. Vance.
Joey McLeister6. Took half an Ambien and accidentally ran for VP.
7. Concerned that “the unelected bureaucrats who administer state elections” would find his pseudonym “J.D. Vance” problematic when printed on ballots and “it would become a distraction.”
8. Trump asked if Usha would consider transitioning from Indian to Black to help stop Kamala.
9. Hollywood just green-lit Hillbilly Elegy 2: The Squeakquel.
10. Got tired of scrubbing the gold toilet on Trump Force One.
11. Dancing with the Stars contract demands exclusivity.
Could J.D. Vance turn up on Dancing with the Stars?
Eric McCandless12. Flip-flopped back to believing that Trump is “America’s Hitler”.
13. Realized that he has a thing he totally forgot about that he promised to go to, and he needs to go do that, you know, thing.
14. Whoa, turns out childless people can actually vote.
15. Toxoplasmosis.
Kurt Andersen, Beth Armogida, Rob Bragin, Leah Krinsky, Windsor Mann, Nell Scovell, Jill Twiss, and Roy Wood, Jr. all contributed to this satirical piece.
