Because we watch Trumpland TV so you don’t have to, today we learned that according to far-right outlet TruNews, Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged sex-trafficking ring is all a function of Israeli intel agency Mossad—and the operation includes people ranging from Monica Lewinsky, Attorney General William Barr, President George H.W. Bush, Jared Kushner, and late Sen. John Tower (R-TX).
It’s a bonkers web of conspiracy that puts your It’s Always Sunny memes to shame. Really, you should watch the full hour, but if you don’t have time—or you value your sanity—we’ve distilled a few minutes up above. The story starts with publisher Robert Maxwell and his daughter, Ghislaine—a former parner of Epstein’s.
<p>John Tower was a traitor to America. It has to do with things like sex networks, underage girls. John Tower, you know, his political career came to an end. There was a scandal, and he was forced out. I personally believe our intelligence agencies took him down, they knew what he was doing. That was kind of a compromise way of getting him out of the way, moving him out, without absolutely destroying him and saying a U.S. senator was working for Israel.</p>
And then:
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<p>He's an old hand at this stuff. He's the Bush family trustee. He's the trustee for the Bush family dynasty. That's why he's back in the saddle, to take care of these things. Because there was a settlement at the Bush funeral. A truce was made to make sure certain things don't happen. We don't know what was in that photograph, but it made Jeb Bush almost pass out at his father's funeral. [...] He's making sure all the players are satisfied, nobody goes to prison. I don't know what was in that photograph but I would guess that the Israeli Mossad provided President Trump with an extremely damaging, compromising photograph of George Herbert Walker Bush, enough to make his son almost pass out.</p>
And then:
<p>That brings us back to Jared Kushner. Just a good Jewish boy, working in his father-in-law's White House, on behalf of his masters in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.</p>
And then:
<p>This looks like a Jewish mafia operation. Ghislaine is the connection to Mossad.</p>
Aaaaaand then:
<p>The Starr investigation of Bill Clinton was a hoax [...] Monica Lewinsky was, most likely, the Mossad agent in the White House.</p>
Did you get all that? If so, seek help.
