The Best Semi-snarky Gifts to Buy Your Ex This Valentine’s Day—Yes, Really

My friend said she would buy her ex a puzzle, because “maybe he will solve his other issues along the way.” Depending on how she left the relationship and how petty she wants to be, we have a few options here: This total gag gift puzzle (to describe her feelings about him), this state postcard puzzle (if she literally moved on), or this “Spot the Queen Bee” puzzle (let’s see if he still can’t spot a queen who’s literally right in front of him).

Extend the olive branch (if they have a caring spirit towards plants – and you – and you are willing to spend more than white elephant gift exchange price limits on them) or get them a $25 gift card and call it a day; let them choose whether they want a faux plant or something real.

You may or may not know the specific energy your ex needs right now, depending on how long ago you broke up, which is why I think this mystery box from star Etsy seller The Spirit Nectar is perfect. You could also send good vibes and protective energy out to your ex and yourself by gifting them a healing bracelet, like this highly rated Jasper stone one for calming, inner peace, and balance.

I like to think of my friend’s suggestion for a “self-help book” as “self-care,” so help out your ex with a read that can add value to their life (now that you’re gone). This self-improvement book is a modern classic, and this one is a hint (mainly with a certain group of exes in mind—aka cis straight men).

“So that they can learn how to tell time,” as my one friend advised. This option from Nixon is literally in the name itself: the “Time Teller.” I mean, can you get more passive-aggressively straightforward than that?

If they want to act like a child, they can drink like one with this grenadine syrup. No offense to shirley temple drinkers, because they are indeed delicious. It’s just what I remember feeling so cool ordering as a kid because I pictured myself 30, flirty, and thriving while actually sitting in a snug booth with my parents at Red Robin.

Specifically, according to my friend, “a record I associate them with,” or maybe just one that can offer a little jab in the side, a little hehe-haha to their attempt at being friends (or whatever they’re calling it) after ending things. A solid choice with good taste is this Fleetwood Mac classic in vinyl fashion—and if they don’t vibe with this delicious record, well, I get why the relationship didn’t work out. Please continue to go your own way.

My one friend is a total cinephile, so of course, she said she would buy her ex a movie pass. This also makes sense, especially now that her ex doesn’t have as much entertainment in his life. She is a true star. And I watched this low-budget film play out before my eyes, so I can safely and confidently say that he is just a dude without the -e. Anyway, here you go.

“So that he can actually learn how to express his emotions,” as my friend confided in me. Here’s a five-minute-a-day gratitude journal option. We’ll see how long he can last.

“Of me looking my best, just as a reminder.” I’d recommend this one if my friend and her ex are on good terms now, and if they are both still single—to avoid making any new partner feel uncomfortable. It’s a good and cheeky gag gift idea, say if you’re going to a holiday party and you know you and your ex want to give each other something. Go ahead and break the ice (again) with this basic option.