‘Vanderpump Rules’ Can’t Just Be a Show About Girl Power and Sandwiches

What happens when a reality show outgrows its premise? You start arguing about the show itself. That’s what lies at the core of the rising tensions against Ariana Madix on this season of Vanderpump Rules, as these career politicians (er, reality stars) fight to preserve themselves.

After two weeks of Tom Sandoval on the defense, it’s Ariana’s turn to face the music. And it starts with the machiavellian machinations of the show’s matriarch, whose role has become ever so tenuous. Yet, Lisa Vanderpump almost shines as a transparent backseat producer. I find her much more charming as a puppet master than she ever was on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. After disappearing entirely from the last episode, President Vanderpump made sure to do the rounds this week.

Lisa loves a broken bird, and who better to tend to than Scheana Shay, still distraught with grief over her lost friendship with Sandoval, and more importantly, missing out on Dancing With the Stars. Poor Scheana is always a bridesmaid, never a bride (except when she got engaged at someone else’s engagement party, but let’s ignore that. It was subversive.).

Scheana’s struggling in her friendship with Ariana, as she feels everything is about Ariana, all the time. Despite the fact Scheana had been taking dance lessons and preparing for the role of a lifetime—just in case—Ariana’s off-screen boyfriend flippantly revealed to Scheana that it’s Ariana, actually, who was cast on the show. Delivering her best Sabrina Brier “Oh!”, Scheana reveals the heart wrenching story and tells Lisa how hard it is to always support others when no one supports her.

“Oh my God. When I did Dancing With the Stars, you said to me, ‘That’s what I want, more than anything,” Lisa says as Scheana nods. That’s a sentence that proves reality TV is an art form.

And, for once, people on this cast have Scheana’s back—well, for their own interests, of course. That’s as good as it gets on Vanderpump Rules. Lala meets with Ariana to not-so-lightly nudge the new queen bee to control her deeply deranged online sycophants, who ripped Scheana apart over a group photo with Sandoval.

There’s a tension that’s not even hidden anymore between Ariana and the rest of the group, as the high of riding the #TeamAriana coattails crashes down. The same fans who relentlessly badgered Sandoval and Rachel are still hungry for blood, and little moments like that picture give them a chance to cannibalize one of their own in Scheana. Lala realizes that she, too, will inevitably slip up, or just be human, and wants to make it clear to Ariana: We have your back; can you have ours? It’s not about genuine friendship as much as it’s about survival, and that’s simply life in the post-Sur era of Vanderpump Rules. And she gets through to her, somewhat! While Ariana’s ice cold in the moment, she does make an Instagram post defending Scheana later on, so that’s progress.

Ariana also, finally, reveals more of her motives to ice Sandoval out of the group in a confessional. She’s scared that, if Sandoval can rally the troops to film with him again, he can ice her out instead. It’s a relief to finally hear some authenticity behind Ariana’s actions, as pretending she doesn’t want the group to film with Sandoval for their own well-being has never felt genuine. Her vulnerability is very interesting in the few moments her guard comes down.

The Scheana Show continues with a little lunch scene featuring the season’s stars, Scheana and Lala, and others, Katie and Kristina Kelly. It’s here that the friction between the “We Need to Make Good TV” cohort and the woman with a fake sandwich shop becomes clear. While rehashing the Lake Tahoe trip, Scheana is shut down by a bewildered Katie, who wants nothing to do with discussions of Sandoval.

Katie’s sick and tired of rehashing the past, she says, before launching into her own rehash of the past, complaining that Sandoval deserves no forgiveness when he’s constantly villainizing her, completely sucking the life out of the scene. Even Kristina Kelly came through more than Katie, sussing out that the loss of Scheana hurt Sandoval more than his breakup with Ariana, while asking why Ariana stayed as long as she did if both were so miserable. Kristina, I have rarely had a thought about you one way or another, but I appreciate your journalistic prowess, and hope you can teach Katie a thing or two.

It’s totally fair to be pissed, but Katie, you and Scheana are both stuck in the past. Rather than cutting Scheana down over that, you should look to recruit her. And if you’re so pissed at Sandoval, film a one-on-one with him and let him have it. You can’t avoid conflict on a show like this without coming across like dead weight.

Speaking of recruits, Lisa tried and failed to recruit Rachel for a show-saving coup. While Ms. Leviss doesn’t grace our screens, her off-screen conversation with Lisa is one of the more exciting developments of the season. She’s a star even in referential capacity. Although Lisa pretends she wasn’t going to tell Sandoval about the conversation, she’s eager to stab him with the devastating news that Rachel’s pissed at him, and has closed the door on their relationship. Never change, Lisa. There’s something so beautiful about her pretending she has good intentions when she’s maneuvering in plain sight.

“She’s blocked you? Well then it’s over,” Lisa tells Tom, and it’s advice we could all learn from. While losing Rachel no doubt hurt the season, the emotional arc of a shattered Sandoval is enticing, and one we can finally dive into.

This season is all about the irreverent supporting characters, from off-screen Rachel to odd-ball assistant Ann. And no one’s more captivating than Tom Schwartz’s friend/roommate/paramour/mom Jo. Where did this lady blow in from? Her presence is so unassuming, so beautifully reminiscent of 2006 in a way that the rest of the Vanderpump Rules cast just isn’t. She would devour a 4-episode arc on ABC Family’s Greek.

The giddiness I felt when this random woman got a confessional says so much about who I am (a man of great taste). Watching Jo fall for a man baby like Schwartz is a harrowing thriller. You want to save her, but it’s already too late. The editing whiplash of Jo saying “We really did catch feelings for each other, and I’m pretty sure they’re still there” in a confessional followed by Schwartz diminishing their entire vibe to “we just hang out, we kick it” is so harrowing.

It gets even worse when she reveals that Schwartz told her to give him two to three years before they can get serious, and he grimaces at the thought. Can someone give Jo a job at Sur or something? I want to see this woman full-time. Maybe she can open a business of her own. Something About Jo is a beautiful name for a sandwich shop.

The episode rounds out with the men and women divided, the boys going out for a suit-and-tie dinner while the ladies enjoy a night of astrology readings at James and Ally’s apartment. It’s here that we finally learn some more of Ally’s backstory. Growing up, she wanted to be the next Taylor Swift, and you really think the show’s setting you up to hear about her exciting new single, but then Ally deflates the tires by announcing that was too hard so she’s just doing astrology instead. Ally is an inspiration for all of us whose dreams were too difficult. Who says you shouldn’t quit? Quitting’s fun! What is Vanderpump Rules if not a playground for failed dreamers, after all?

I’m not sure if Lisa ghost produced this astrology reading, but Ally telling Scheana that her birth chart reveals she’s a selfless woman who cares for others before herself is a beautiful moment of absurdity. Sorry haters, Scheana is an amazing human being. It has been in her DNA since the day she was born.

The reading also delivered Katie’s first fun moment of the season, as Ally tells her this isn’t her first lifetime and Katie quickly replies, “No, I’m on one of my last.” Also have to shout out the insanity of Katie saying her lack of femininity comes from being a man in all her past lives. Does Katie know about In-Yun?

Over at boys night, nothing of major interest happens, and that in itself is an interesting revelation. Despite James’ relentless reunion and pre-season attacks toward Sandoval, now that the show’s back in the swing, so is the undying alliance of awful men supporting each other.

And that reemerged alliance pokes holes in girls night, when Ariana’s irritation at James letting Sandoval back in activates Lala. Although Ariana wants to make a clean break from Sandoval and those who choose to hang out with him, Lala’s bringing up the elephant in the room without explicitly saying it. This is a TV show and he is their cast mate, and depriving the viewers of any direct confrontation all season long is a surefire way to send the entire cast into unemployment. And, unlike Ariana, most of them don’t have Dancing With the Stars and Chicago to fall back on. Lala wants her to let go of the anger, both for herself and for the sake of the show.

When Katie jumps to Ariana’s defense, Lala decimates her, showing that the cracks that began to form in Tahoe are now cemented. Ariana and Katie want to film a light show about girl power and sandwiches, ignoring their exes and conflict, while Lala and Scheana feel the immense weight to perform and keep their jobs, lest the show die the death it probably would’ve had Scandoval not saved the day last year. Katie and Ariana are fast writing themselves off the show with this standoffish approach, one that’s a major mistake given their foes are such buffoons. It’s always better to welcome conflict than hide from it on reality TV, and if you don’t agree, it might be time to go.

We’re now seven episodes down, and the season has featured not a single all-cast scene. But the mid-season trailer promises to break that stalemate with a full cast trip, explosive showdowns between the group and Sandoval, and the continued unraveling of Scheana Shay. And next week, we’re likely welcoming the return of Jax Taylor as VPR leads into the series premiere of spin-off The Valley.