New ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Brings More Music From Scheana and James Peeing in Bushes

Mariah Carey. Céline Dion. Scheana Shay.

There are many great vocalists, and one stands a cut above. Our very own pop princess, now Queen of Pop, Scheana has made her desperately needed return to the musical scene. Poor Taylor Swift would never have announced her new album had she known Ms. Shay would return.

To be the music producers watching an angel cry into the microphone is the most blessed a person could be. On the other hand, being Tom Sandoval’s assistant and liaison to the most awkward exes in reality TV history, well, that’s the pits.

And that’s where we begin on this week’s Vanderpump Rules. Poor Ann, Sandoval’s assistant, has to play peacemaker between him and Ariana, two deluded roommates, helping him plan a birthday party. But an agitated Ariana has no interest in making nice, rejecting Sandoval’s offer to put her up in a hotel as “disrespectful.”

“This is so weird,” voice-of-reason Ann mumbles as she waltzes upstairs. Poor Ann. Get a new job, queen. Literally anything else has to be an improvement to this.

It goes without saying that these two have no business living together. While Ariana is completely rational to reject a rager at her home, she wouldn’t have to worry about this if she just… moved out.

But before we can discuss that, we get a visit from Empress Vanderpump, whose role on the show becomes more tenuous by the minute. With PUMP closing after 10 years and at least one fire, Lisa invites the group to a going-away party for the tenured restaurant.

Meanwhile, Sandoval gets a visit from his friend Jason, and discusses his hopes for the future with Rachel. It’s funny to watch the show sow the seeds of a possible Rachel return—knowing production wanted her back before negotiations fell through—while ultimately realizing her explosive villain arc has amounted to a flop Bethenny Frankel interview and a podcast. But, Sandoval can be delusional another day. It’s what he does.

On a somewhat sane note, Sandoval negotiates with Ariana, via Ann, to throw a more laid back birthday party that ends by midnight in lieu of his typical fare. We jump to Ariana and Lala at a chemistry-less smoothie date, where the two discuss the tenuous living situation and Sandoval’s party plans.

“This is my house. I will be at my house,” Ariana tells Lala, who doesn’t totally agree.

“Right, but I also think that, from just like a logical standpoint, he’s allowed to have a party at the house,” Lala replies.

It’s jarring to watch Lala be the voice of reason in a scene, but kudos to Ariana for leaning into her lack of logic a bit. You can’t be in a relationship with Sandoval for a decade without having your own oddities.

Ariana wants to threaten to call the cops, but—as Sandoval duly reminded—his affair and overall scumminess is not a crime in the state of California. Lala, too, puts out that fire, and Ariana agrees to let him host his lowkey event.

As for the house, Ariana feels he broke the home, so why should he get to keep it? Despite Sandoval’s desire to buy her out, she’s not playing ball. And like, yeah totally girl, but… I don’t know. A check’s a check, and a new home is a way to start over. It almost seems that both Sandoval and Ariana want to remain in each other’s lives. And that’s not in an altruistic sense, but in the sense they both want to torture the other.

If they can find avenues to channel their vitriol in a more creative way, we’ll be in for a beautiful, petty mess. And that’s what Vanderpump Rules is all about.

At the PUMP closure party, Lisa shows up in a fru-fru hat to kiss the restaurant goodbye. We’re treated to a montage of PUMP’s greatest hits, a reminder that there was a time when Lisa’s role on the show wasn’t as the random older woman with wisdom, but as the boss to this group of sociopaths.

Mother hen Lisa sits with Tom Schwartz to talk through the Tom-Tom Peace Accord, advocating for Sandoval as our “my sons can do no wrong” matriarch always does. And, to be fair to Lisa, she’s not wrong that Sandoval isn’t entirely to blame for Schwartz & Sandy’s woes. If the business’ entire model relies on people liking both Tom’s, well, that’s just never going to work.

Out of the darkness of PUMP, we’re greeted to the haunting sounds of Bravo’s modern-era transition music. But wait, this isn’t some Selling Sunset knockoff, it’s a Scheana original. As “Good as Gold” plays, our songstress enters the recording studio to bless us with a scene that’s golden.

I need to hear this entire song imminently. Scheana, please send me an early cut and I will spread the word. In the wake of Britney’s well-deserved career hiatus, I need a new ad-libbing sexy voice queen. Addison Rae’s just not going to do.

On that note, if we’re going to suffer through these stupid song transitions, can we just have Scheana record all of them? You didn’t see Hannah Montana using royalty-free music. Let’s class this place up a little.

Then, Tom and Tom sit down for a one-on-one to hash things out. Schwartz orders Sandoval a non-alcoholic beer as he’s trying out sobriety with Rachel in treatment. Sandoval wants to stay sober for her when she gets out, an ominous reminder of his villainy. Do I want to see him perform psychological warfare on camera? Admittedly, yes a little. But luckily for Rachel, she’s gone rogue and exited the Vanderpump Valley.

Schwartz still has an ax to grind over the Scandoval torching his business. At least Schwartz is keeping it real. He doesn’t care that Sandoval cheated on Ariana and hurt her. He cares about how this has affected him. With Sandoval a pariah, Schwartz has to save himself, looking to find a way back into the group.

“Are you going to stick with me, or what?” Sandoval asks, nervously.

“I feel like, I’m gonna do what’s best for me,” Schwartz responds. And that’s where we leave it.

Over at Scheana’s house, we check in with our recently diagnosed OCD patient, who receives a visit from her mom and good friend Tori. With Scheana’s mom injured, she can’t lift up Summer Moon, and they need Tori to help out.

This is a big step for Scheana, as she hasn’t felt comfortable leaving her baby with “just anyone.” But Brock has no sympathy, saying he misses pre-motherhood Scheana. And that does make sense, given he allegedly abandoned his children in Australia to go be with Scheana.

“Now for Scheana, day-to-day simple tasks become monumental and overwhelming,” he says in a confessional, not realizing that’s been Scheana’s entire brand since day one—and that’s why she makes the big bucks! Overthinking makes a reality star.

Meanwhile, James and Ally get a visit from Schwartz. Apparently, Ally has started a “business” where she reads people’s astrological birth charts.

“To put it nicely, I feel like he could just use a little direction,” Ally says of Schwartz.

Realizing he’s got a ton of Libra in him, Ally tells Schwartz he’s a people pleaser, though he doesn’t want to hear it. But this meeting gets interrupted by an impromptu text from Sandoval inviting James and Ally to his birthday. Reluctant to go, James agrees to pop in.

And that’s where we wrap the episode, at Tom’s sad little party. With Ariana’s restrictions in play, the event looks like the kind of BYOB apartment party you’d go to in your junior year of college with no food aside from some chips and a random plate of cookies. Oh, and some salsa.

While this night may seem depressing, Ariana and the rest of the VPR girls are DJing Emo Nite, a few months after they “crushed it” in their debut.

James arrives at the party, leaving Ally in the car. She has no interest in making nice with Sandoval, and she knows her boyfriend well enough to know this is going to be quick. Upon entering, James notes that this party is a who’s who of who?, wondering how Sandoval’s status fell so far. One guest, TomTom server Brett, asks James what’s going on with the “friend group” he apparently wants in on, but James has no time for that. Maybe we should add Brett to the cast, though. Why not?

James and Sandoval sit down, and James tells him he feels he was lost in the shuffle. But Sandoval still holds resentment for James’ actions towards Kristen a decade earlier, betraying Sandoval to get with her. The two, understandably, find no resolution, and James resorts to peeing in his bushes.

Those are Ariana’s bushes too, as Ally lightly reminds him, and that’s where we leave it. Hopefully, the dramatic jolt Vanderpump Rules needs is just around the corner. But for now, some pee-stained bushes will do.