Just what kind of person subscribes to America’s First Freedom, the National Rifle Association magazine devoted to perceived threats to the Second Amendment? If the advertisements within its pages give any clue, the targeted audience appears to be aging, a little racist, and very, very afraid. According to an 18-month survey of the magazine’s advertisers from Media Matters, companies have targeted the NRA audience to shill quality products like magic woman-wooing volcano rings, Confederate flag lamps, hoarder kits, an assault rifle that you can hide in your briefcase, and even a guide for what to do after you shoot someone (Hint: It’s not “Call 911.”)
The ads may seem targeted to loons—a kind of SkyMall for gun nuts—but they in fact suit the rag well, running alongside articles that alert subscribers to threats from gun grabbers and general impending doom, including a special 2014 election issue from NRA leader Wayne LaPierre titled “Is Chaos At Our Door?” that warns readers of an impending terrorist attack that would kill 9 out of every 10 Americans, illustrated of course with a photoshopped image of ISIS spokesman and murderer “Jihadi John” wielding his knife in front of a suburban home.
So be afraid, NRA members: of home invasions, growing old, rapists, being lonely, starvation, and would-be killers wherever you turn. Then buy this junk.
Illustration by Emil Lendof/The Daily Beast
Soon, you may no longer be allowed to sport the Confederate battle flag on your license plate, but thankfully, there’s a place where the Southern Cross still flies high: your own home. This “Light Of The South” accent lamp costs just $135 and features several variations of the Confederate flag, CSA (Confederate States of America) emblems, and the dates commemorating the beginning and end of the Confederacy.
“It’s no secret ISIS and other radical groups hate America.” When they come for our electric grid—“And they WILL”—NRA enthusiasts will still be enjoying coffee and slow-roasted recipes under their electric blankets while the rest of us cower in fear.
courtesy of Media Matters
When is a bullet not a bullet? When it’s a knife!
courtesy of Media Matters
WWJD? Carry a concealed weapon, of course. With a made-in-the-USA holster emblazoned with crucifixes, you can send your target to his maker in style.
courtesy of Media Matters
Growing old is for suckers. While the health claims of synthetic hGH are unsubstantiated at best, and dangerous at worst, the testimonials will make you a believer: “Frank, age 85, walks two miles a day, plays golf, belongs to a dance club for seniors, had a girlfriend again and doesn’t need Viagara [sic], passed his drivers test and is hardly ever home when we call—GHR delivers.”
courtesy of Media Matters
And they say nothing in life comes free. Second Call Defense, a partner of the NRA Business Alliance, has a gift for gun enthusiasts wondering just what to do after they shoot someone, including advice on “the legal pitfalls of calling 911 and how to avoid them.”
courtesy of Media Matters
Are you a patriot? Do you eat food? Are you afraid? Don’t be part of “the brainwashed masses who think ‘everything is fine.’” Buy this this stockpile of rations marketed toward preppers or “you could be setting up your family to starve.”
courtesy of Media Matters
This dapper fella isn’t just any suited sheep headed to a job interview; he’s packing an assault weapon that collapses neatly into a briefcase for “discreet protection.”
courtesy of Media Matters
“Man and nature collaborate to create a glamorous green ring guaranteed to rock her world!” Despite the ad’s claims that the rock was born of the Mount St. Helens eruption and has a “strange effect on women,” Geology.com warns that buyers should know the man-made stone was not produced during the Mount St. Helens eruption, is not rare, is easily scratched and chipped, and is usually only sold to tourists in the area dumb enough to fall for the claims.
courtesy of Media Matters
Did someone just ask you for the time? Do they look like a gay? Make sure there is no question about your masculinity with this wristwatch that promises to “Tell Time Like a Man”: “Call me old fashioned, but I want my boots to be leather, my tires to be deep-tread monsters, and my steak cut thick and rare.” What this has to do with a watch, we have no idea.
courtesy of Media Matters
