The International Brotherhood of Men Cleveland, Ohio
Dear Chaz,
This is just a note to say congratulations on your new life chapter and welcome to the man club. The International Brotherhood of Men couldn't be more proud to have you on the team.
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You dress like Kevin Federline. You kicked ass as team captain in Celebrity Fit Club 3. You, Chaz Bro-no, are the kind of guy's guy we thought no longer existed—a previous OxyContin addiction, rehab, arm tattoos, carousing with hotties, locking antlers with Cher. What an inspiration!
One great thing about being a man: Your guilty pleasure is viral videos of failed trampoline tricks. Not watching them, but making them.
Obviously, you will notice a few changes as you settle into your new life. You probably used to cry at The Way We Were and laugh at Brian's Song. Now you will laugh at The Way We Were and laugh really loudly at Brian's Song. ("So what? He dies. Move on.") But you have clearly mastered the basics of being a guy—plaid shorts, flip-flops, making any buffet your Sistine Chapel—so we'll move straight to the graduation. Here are some Great Things About Being a Man for you to look forward to:
You can kill your own spiders.
Your new motto is: One mood all the time.
You get to pick your own cool nickname like Alca-Chaz.
You can watch The King of Queens and sigh, "How do they get it so right?"
You can watch Mad Men and wonder, "How did we let this slip away?"
You can eat Mexican and order something other than the tostada.
Your new catchphrase will be, "I got it, thanks."
You don't need to hold your coffee cup with two hands.
You won't have to write a list to feel better.
You will not wince at the word “panties.”
You can have sex with people you don't like.
The novels of Martin Amis will no longer seem sexist.
Your secret crush is Sarah Palin. (Seriously. That's why you keep it a secret.)
Your guilty pleasure is viral videos of failed trampoline tricks. Not watching them, but making them.
Getting dressed up is not worth the trouble.
Neither are thank-you notes or shopping lists. ("I'll remember it.") You will remember nothing except who played drums on the The Clash's 1983 U.S. tour.
You will pay for this male amnesia till the day you die.
You can channel surf without having to stop whenever you see someone crying.
But you will have to stop every time you see even the tiniest flash of underwear and study it's like the Zapruder film.
Alphabetizing your WWF memorabilia is a pinpoint operation.
Seventies porn is a legitimate area of scholarship.
Bravo reality programming is a sickness.
Broadway musicals are a "vast lie."
Chuck Norris is a national treasure.
You can finally understand why banter is not mean, but fun. And with your surname, that's a good thing.
The four scariest words in the English language will no longer be: "bikini pool party invitation."
They will be: "Let's talk this out."
You get to pick your own cool nickname.
As for “Some Not So Great Things About Being a Man”—um, well, we can’t seem to remember a thing.
Sean Macaulay was the L.A. movie critic for The London Times from 1999 to 2007. He has also written for Punch, British GQ, and The Mail on Sunday. He was most recently creative consultant on the award-winning documentary Anvil! The Story of Anvil.
