Let me take the opposite view of 330 million Americans—and the 500 million migrants Donald Trump will say crossed the border by the time you finish reading this next sentence: I’m going to miss this Presidential election being over when the ballots are finally all counted next March.
Not to get overly sentimental, but there are all things in life we miss terribly, things we once had that are gone. The Cleveland Browns miss having a quarterback who could complete a pass; Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville misses the Dred Scott decision; Jennifer Lopez misses whatever his name was—you know, fun husband #2. Me, though? I know I’m going to miss this year’s election cycle. And here are the top five things I’ll look back on fondly when all is said and done.
#1
I’m going to miss all the creative text messages I get from Kamala, Cory, Gretchen, Coach Tim, Wes and Gavin. (I even get a few from Don and JD for some unknown reason—probably due to my subscriptions to Childless Cat Lady Monthly and Geese Cuisine Magazine.) Truth be told, not many people text me. Sure, there’s someone named Jenny who says she wants to meet me and offers to send photos—she sure sounds legit. And there’s that daily note from UPS saying they have a package they can’t deliver and they need me to download something. Also sounds legit. But every day I know I will get at least 15 texts from my Democrat besties asking me for money. Which I treat the same way I do when my kids ask me for money.
ADVERTISEMENT
#2
I’m going to miss watching videos of Donald Trump farting mid-sentence and then wandering around aimlessly onstage. What is he doing? Is he trying to escape his own gas? Most of us try to hide it when we fart, but not Trump. He has the courage to just “let ‘er rip” on stage at a rally—maybe MAGA stands for Make America Gassy Again? Who needs fracking when we have the greatest natural gas producer in the world? If I were Trump I’d give every speech next to a dog so I could blame the dog. And if I were JD Vance, I’d buy Trump a dog because you know soon Trump will start blaming him otherwise.
#3
I’m going to miss seeing Allan Lichtman and his 13 keys, which have enabled him to predict 9 out of 10 past presidential races. And I’m going to especially miss Lichtman and Nate Silver’s daily social media feuding. Wouldn’t it be more fun to have the two of them face off in the Octagon and see who emerges as king of the nerds?
#4
I’m going to miss the MAGA Fab Five: Marjorie Taylor Greene, Kristi Noem, Lauren Boebert, Laura Loomer and Kimberly Guilfoyle. In fact, forget that Lichtman-Silver faceoff, how much would I shell out on pay-per-view to see the five of them battle it out in a Jello wrestling match and determine once and for all who is the True First Lady?
#5
But most of all, I’m going to miss RFK Jr. Why? Because he makes me feel good about myself. Every time I worry I’m a s---ty husband or if I just did something crazy like proposing that five fine MAGA role models should Jello wrestle, RFK Jr. emerges from under his rock to remind me that as long as I don’t have a brain worm, stage a bear cub murder or start sexting with Andrea Mitchell, I’m doing just fine. I could probably even get away with two of those three.
So yes, I will be depressed once this election is finally over. The only thing I can look forward to is that on January 20, 2025, we will have a new President. And that on January 21, the 2028 campaign will begin.
