Your Super Bowl Etiquette Questions — Answered
Once again, we are approaching that most solemn and perplexing American social ritual—the Super Bowl party.
Weeks ago, when you received your engraved invitation, the anxiety started. But it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous, to wonder what to say and do. It is a fraught, complicated experience. But happily, by following these simple guidelines, you are sure to get through with flying colors.
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Q: What is the traditional gift to bring the hostess of a Super Bowl party?
A: Silver, fine wood, or an institution-sized bag of Fritos.
Q: What does one wear to a traditional American-style Super Bowl fête?
The colors of your city, incorporated into formal attire. If you’re rooting for the Seahawks, for example, go for a navy tux with a neon green cumberbund, while Broncos fans should consider dyeing their old wedding dresses dark blue and orange. If you are a 49ers fan in mourning, you may certainly dress in red and gold with funereal touches (black ribbons; a dark net-veiled fascinator, puffy red eyes) and periodically emit long, low, moaning sounds. Garment rending, however, is frowned upon.
Q: What if I’m a Pats fan in mourning?
A: Look inside yourself and ask how and why you’ve developed such a contemptible attachment.Stop rooting for the Yankees of the NFL.
Q: How many alcoholic beverages should one consume during the Super Bowl?
A: Just follow this handy formula:
(H+1) X (I-A)
Where H stands for the amount of drinks required for a noticeable hangover, plus one, times the difference between how you wish the game was going (I) and how it is actually going (A). If you are Jim Harbaugh, you may drink to blackout.
Q: I plan on consuming marijuana during the game because, as every single person on the planet has noted, this is the Weed Bowl. What are some stupid puns I don’t need to make?
A: All of them. There is no need to say things like, “Heh, THIS is a real super bowl!” while triumphantly holding a bong shaped like a dragon skull aloft. And while The Daily Beast cannot condone illegal drug consumption, and must ask you to rethink your choices … if you are hosting this sort of party, be sure to double all recipes.
Q: I hate football. Can I lobby hard to switch the channel over to Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl?
A: Sadly, you may not; this is considered a major faux pas. However! You can suggest the Kitten Halftime Show, which this year will feature not only Keyboard Cat but also Lil Bub (!!!) in lieu of the Bruno Mars performance.
Q: But I love Bruno Mars.
A: You … really? Wow. Well … good for you. And good for Bruno, bless his heart, who is truly the skim milk of pop music.
Q: What should one think or say of Richard Sherman?
A: You may admire his tenacity and skill, the single-minded determination that got him from Compton to Stanford and then the NFL, and/or his amazing hair. You may also declare that you find his top-shelf trash talk off-putting, if you are too boring to appreciate genius when you see it.
Q: May I call him a thug?
A: NO. Under no circumstances may you call him a thug since, as he so beautifully pointed out, that is the barely concealed n-word. And even if it wasn’t a slur in sheep’s clothing, it still wouldn’t be accurate.
Q: But he yelled at poor Erin Andrews.
A: The man was excited. Have you ever won a conference championship? Give him a break.
Q: May one comment on which team has better “costumes”?
A: It seems like you should be able to, but no. Other things one should not do: speculate on which team has more enviable leggings; make any reference to “unenforced errors” or note that John Fox looks like a friendly, knowing boiled potato.
Q: During which quarter should one pipe up about how outsized the national attention’s focus is on an ultimately meaningless sporting event when there is real tragedy, war, and famine in this world?
A: Do all of us a favor and skip the party, opting instead to spend that time making the world a better place and/or polishing your Hillary 2016 buttons.
