Itâs that time of year when everyone makes resolutions they never keep. Me? Given my dual careers in politics and entertainmentânot to mention my work as a Sears catalogue underwear model, but thatâs a separate storyâI prefer to make predictions. And not just any predictions. Iâm talking about ones that I 100% guarantee will come true over the next 12 months, from Melania Trumpâs ribbon-cutting ceremony at the newly-owned Panama City Canal to Aaron Rodgers leading the Jets to a perfect, ayahuasca-fueled 17-0 record.
So contact your bookie, download PrizePicks and head to Vegas to bet the house on these predictions. But do not hold me responsible for any impact on your investment portfolio moving forward.
JANUARY
Nicole Kidman wins a Golden Globe for her performance in Babygirl, stunning every member of the Proud Boys who never knew that women have orgasms.
FEBRUARY
The US Senate refuses to confirm RFK Jr. as HHS secretary. In his place, President Trump nominates Luigi Mangione, who immediately polls as the most popular member of the Cabinet. In a related prediction, Cheryl Hines dumps Junior for Luigi.
MARCH
Three words about Martha Stewart: Mrs. Snoop Dogg. We all see it! She loves Snoop the way Mariah Carey loves lip syncing. And speaking of lips, Kimberly Guilfoyle can finally smile again after a viral Botox overdose on inauguration day.
APRIL
Boeing announces that their plan all along was to leave those two astronauts stranded in space. They declare their mission a success. (The astronauts remain stranded in space.)
MAY
The Pulitzer Prize for literature goes to Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski for their book, Misson to Mars...A Lago. At the awards ceremony, Scarborough announces that Joe Biden is in such great shape that he could start as power forward for the Lakers.
JUNE
Matt Gaetz is double booked for prom season. And by double booked, I mean by the police.
JULY
Trump jumps on board the global warming bandwagon and simultaneously announces his solution to the crisis: Trump-branded air conditioners. (Slogan: The man full of hot air brings cold air.)
AUGUST
Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego announces plans to run for President. Trump then announces plans to deport Ruben Gallego.
SEPTEMBER
Furious that she is more popular than him, Jake Paul challenges Taylor Swift to a 10-round fight. Swift knocks out Paul in the second round, and segues perfectly into a live-on-Netflix performance âLook What You Made Me Do.â
OCTOBER
Huge economic news: In an effort to jumpstart lagging baby oil sales, Diddy is given a weekend furlough; Justin Baldoni, meanwhile, is fired from his job as an Olive Garden busboy after making obscene comments about a breadstick.
NOVEMBER
In a stunning career change, Nancy Pelosi tastefully poses as Playboyâs Miss November. Likes: winning elections. Dislikes: AOC.
DECEMBER
The Nobel Peace prize goes to Barack Obama for negotiating a truce between Elon Musk and Laura Loomer.
