The 2024 presidential election is finally over, and within 48 hours of the results being called, The Philadelphia Inquirer ran a story with the headline: “Shapiro 2028?” In other words, the jockeying to succeed Donald “Grover Cleveland” Trump has begun.
So because there are less than fourteen hundred days until November 7, 2028, here is The Daily Beast’s guide to the frontrunners in the next race for the Oval Office—assuming anyone other than Donald Trump will even legally be allowed to run under the soon-to-be-passed 28th Amendment, which will change the main eligibility qualification for president from “must be 35 years of age” to “must have almost 35 felony convictions.”
(Yes, under the current U.S. Constitution, Trump cannot run again, but we all know he respects the Constitution about as much as he respects Liz Cheney.)
ADVERTISEMENT
First, the top Democrats…
Gavin Newsom
If you called central casting for someone who just looks like a President—or who could play the lead in the rumored Pierce Brosnan biopic “The Name is Steele, Remington Steele”—it would be Gavin Newsom. He is already making moves to fight the Trump agenda, having already called a special session of the California legislature to block Trump’s attempts to put a tariff on hair oil imports. He is considered such a strong candidate the Secret Service has taken time out from its busy schedule not protecting the President to give him a codename: Eye Candy.
His main positive: Taller than Mayor Pete. Negative: He willingly married Kimberly Guilfoyle.
Gretchen Whitmer
The popular governor of a diverse, Midwestern electorate of union members, African Americans, Muslims, Jews and non-college educated white women… or as we now call that, Trump‘s base. I guess that makes Gretchen Whitmer’s support bipartisan?
Her main positive: Also taller than Mayor Pete. Negative: Was divorced, and only Republicans nominate divorcees.
Josh Shapiro
Look, The Inquirer knows what it’s talking about—after all, the paper endorsed Hillary in 2016 and Kamala in 2024. Still, Governor Josh Shapiro is effective, popular, and a dynamic speaker who can deliver Pennsylvania—and should have been the 2024 Vice Presidential nominee.
His main positive: The fact he wasn’t the Democrats’ 2024 Vice Presidential nominee, aka first mate on the Titanic, and is taller than Mayor Pete. Negative: He looks like the love child of Al Franken and Adam Sandler.
Michelle Obama
According to SportsBettingDime, Michelle Obama is already the Democratic frontrunner. She is well liked, already knows the White House works and we all know fronting a female candidate for President has been working well since 1788.
Her main positive: She can unite the party, and is also taller than Mayor Pete. Negative: Russian bots are spreading the rumor she had sex with a (married) president.
And now the top Republicans…
JD Vance
The vice president-elect has, of course, been hand-picked as the new face of MAGA. Currently, JD Vance is spending his time planning when to unleash the 25th Amendment and force out a sitting President—or as Democrats call it, “the full Pelosi.”
His main positive: Was recently named People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. Negative: May have had sex with a couch.
Ron DeSantis
A governor of Florida who like Jeb Bush before him, ended up as Trump roadkill. But Ron DeSantis is clearly running again, though, which is no easy feat in shoelifts.
His main positive: He’s not Ted Cruz. Negative: He’s more dislikable than Ted Cruz.
Donald Trump Jr
The Sonny Corleone of the Trump Family, at least as compared to his brother Eric “Fredo” Trump. And if Ivanka‘s truly given up on politics, he‘s the next ’best' hope for a Trump dynasty—or as those who worked with him call him, The Great White Dope.
Main Positive: 34 fewer convictions than his Dad. Negative: Apparently he’s not willing to marry Kimberly Guilfoyle. (Although that may be a positive?)
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Very few members of Congress go directly from the House to the White House. Then again, very few members of Congress believe in Jewish space lasers. (I mean, if they existed wouldn’t a mohel save time by using one?)
Her main positive: Slightly less crazy than the female villains in The Handmaid’s Tale. Negatives: Crazier than Lauren Boebert, author of The Handjob’s Tale, plus you can never truly trust someone who’s that into Crossfit.
And, of course, let‘s not forget there is one independent. It’s not Jill Stein.
RFK Jr.
For a while it looked like Robert F. Kennedy Jr.‘s 2024 campaign might take off, but then he started talking. Why is he even a possibility? For one thing according to his diary, he does very well with women, Second, he will be the sane voice in the Trump White House. Please pause reading while you think about that last sentence.
His main positive: The Kennedy name. Negative: He could be suffering from long-term brain worm, which is way worse than long-term Covid-19. Or herpes.
Of course with four long years ahead of us, the fortunes of these and so many other candidates could rise and fall like Elon Musk’s stocks or Kimberly Guilfoyle’s face. Really, there is only one way to know who will actually win in 2028, and that’s to see who Allan Lichtman predicts with his magical 13 keys, because it’ll be someone else.
