It’s Thanksgiving, the time for all of us, despite the challenges we face, to reflect on all the things that we should be grateful for. For the five of you who have actually read things I’ve written before, the following may seem discordantly nice and sweet… well that’s the new me, optimistic and hopeful now that America Is Great Again:
I’m thankful that it no longer matters how many times one has (allegedly) transported 17 year olds across state lines or attended drug-fueled orgies, one can still be considered for a cabinet appointment—or at least become a star on Cameo.
I am thankful I never got frequent flyer miles on the Lolita Express or Spirit Airlines.
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I’m thankful I never got the same tattoos as Pete Hegseth, because it turns out they are too subtle. When I get inked, it’ll let people know right from the start I want to end the separation of church and state.
I am thankful that I’m not all caught up in “pronoun wars.” However I am changing my conjunctions, and from now on my email signature will be as follows:
Jon Macks, And/nor/yet
(I would change my adverbs but to be honest I still get mighty confused as to what they are. Or is it mightily confused?)
I am thankful that we live in a country that respects the elderly even when they are so old they can’t do the job like they used to… like Joe Biden, Mitch McConnell and Aaron Rodgers.
Speaking of Biden, I am thankful that this week he has pardoned two turkeys. I just hope that they have learned their lesson and will not go out and commit violent crimes again.
I am thankful I invested in bitcoin based on the financial advice of a 23-year-old bro I met at SoulCycle.
I am thankful that, with a new president who clearly is a mediator and conciliator, peace will finally come between two enemies whose obsession with destroying each other is ripping the world apart: Drake and Kendrick Lamar.
I am thankful for A.I. I didn’t write this, A.I. did.
Speaking for everyone who has ever worked with her or for her, I am thankful that Ellen DeGeneres has moved to England.
And we don’t have to worry about how the English feel about that because 1) they are still dealing with the fallout of us sending them Meghan Markle and 2) they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. And I just found out recently they don’t celebrate July Fourth either? What’s that all about?
Because I am a huge fan of RFK Jr., I am thankful that everyone can enjoy the benefits of raw milk. By the way, if you do get sick from it, bleach will have you back on your feet in no time.
And I am thankful that Elon Musk still has not gotten ahold of all the Infinity Stones.
Happy Thanksgiving!
