She Sucked Up to Trump but He Dropped Her Anyway

Bestselling author and faux hillbilly J.D. Vance is officially Donald Trump’s pick for vice president, God help us all. And even though it’s only been a few days, the nation has collectively forgotten all the sycophantic vice-presidential hopefuls left behind.

But I haven’t.

All the potential veeps were embarrassing in their own way. Marco Rubio: always a twerp, somehow became even twerpier when kissing up to the former president. Tim Scott shall always be remembered for totally coincidentally getting engaged the day after he endorsed Trump.

J.D. Vance Pounded Beers and Told Me Trump Threatens AmericaIN VINO VERITAS?

The Daily Beast, Mathew Murphy

And North Dakota’s Doug Burgam? I’m so sorry but I’ve already forgotten who he is. City Comptroller? Disgraced chicken farming influencer? Anyway, the man has to go back to North Dakota and be named Doug Burgam and I think that’s punishment enough.

All of the candidates bowed down and debased themselves at the altar of ego-and-ear-gauze that is Donald Trump, in hopes of becoming his second in command. But one of them did it the best. And by best, I obviously mean worst.

I’m talking to you, Elise Stefanik.

It’s got to hurt to be Congresswoman Elise Stefanik right now. Lots of women have been there on some level—proven their loyalty time and time again to the company, only to get passed over for the promotion by a less-qualified man. And boy is J.D. Vance ever less qualified. Just for funsies (and like Rep. Stefanik probably does every night before she goes to sleep now) let’s compare resumes.

Elise Stefanik was first elected to the House of Representatives in 2014. At the time, she was the youngest woman ever elected to Congress. She’s now in her fifth term and, in 2021, was elected as the House Republican Conference Chair. J.D. Vance, on the other hand, was elected to Congress in 2023. You know how recent that is? At least twice a week, I still think that is the current year! But let’s keep going.

Before Congress, Stefanik held various roles in the Bush administration and worked as an advisor to Paul Ryan. J.D. Vance wrote a book that was made into a movie that got a 25 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

You get the point. Elise Stefanik has a lot more experience in politics than Vance. But hey, we all know the vice presidency isn’t just about the resume. It’s about loyalty. In other words, “how much of your soul are you willing to sacrifice for Donald Trump?”

The answer for Elise Stefanik was “all of it and more.” Just a few examples:

Pre-Trump Stefanik co-sponsored legislation to provide a path to legal status for Dreamers. Post-Trump Stefanik claims that Joe Biden is going to “grant amnesty to 11 MILLION illegal immigrants” to “overthrow our current electorate and create a permanent liberal majority in Washington.” (No, non-citizens can’t vote. You know that and so does she.)

Pre-Trump Stefanik was a moderate who believed in climate change and spent her congressional victory speech praising her opponents as “very good people.” Post-Trump Stefanik? She voted to reject 2020 Electoral College results and gleefully calls liberals “pedo grifters.”

Stefanik now types, Trump-like, in all caps. She has called the January 6 defendants “hostages”. She endorsed a Congressional candidate who said that Adolph Hitler was “the kind of leader we need today.” (In fairness, Stefanik condemned it but also insisted it was taken out of context and it was! It left out the part where the candidate also called Hitler “inspirational.”)

Essentially, Elise Stefanik sold her soul for an audience of one—Donald Trump. And in doing so, she let down a lot of people. Her previous mentor, Paul Ryan, called her “the biggest disappointment of his political career.” She even lost her former prep school headmistress, Caroline Mason, the woman who helped preside over her wedding. As Mason told Time: “She basically abandoned her own core values for a man who had no core values.”

Stefanik humiliated herself, disappointed mentors, and she STILL didn’t get the job. She did everything right. And by right, I obviously still mean wrong.

But in fairness, how could she have known? Could anyone have guessed that a man found liable for sexual assault and guilty of 34 felonies related to a hush money payment to a porn star wouldn’t be willing to choose a woman for vice president?

Who could have imagined that he would instead choose a man who wants to ban abortion and suggests that staying in violent marriages is better for the kids?

Oh yes, everyone. Everyone, that is, except Elise Stefanik.

You see, Donald Trump has a gift. And it’s not governing or speaking or even squirming his way out of felonies by making the entire U.S. legal system into a joke. It’s his unique ability to make people think: “Sure Trump has never once been loyal to a person in his entire life, BUT I WILL BE DIFFERENT!”

So to Congresswoman Stefanik, I have this to say: Hey girl! The important part is, you leaned in. You gave it your all. And I do mean your all. Congratulations! You couldn’t possibly have degraded yourself any more for the former president. You were humiliated in every possible way and some ways that I would have argued were impossible. And you still lost.

You’ll get through it though. Tell yourself it’s all for the best. You like being in Congress, right? And this way you’ll get to spend more time with your family. You know, take some time to figure out who you really are…

…Until the next morally bankrupt boss comes along. Then, watch out baby! It’s time to become a whole new person.

Jill Twiss won multiple Emmys and Peabody awards for her work as a Senior Writer on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. She is also a New York Times bestselling children’s book author, for A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo.