Just How Bonkers Will the Harris-Trump Debate Actually Be?

Now that the political parties have held their conventions, the next big date on the election calendar is Sept. 10, the only scheduled debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris. If it happens, which is not a sure thing. Not since the days of Ross and Rachel has there been such a propitious “Will they or won’t they?” First, it was on. Then it was off. Then it was back on. Now Trump’s grumbling about the microphone situation, and even making noises about backing out of the thing altogether.

The Great Debate debate has taken on added significance since the meeting between Trump and Joe Biden ended up costing Gampy Joe a shot at a second term. Trump was certainly feeling his oats after that one, though Biden’s withdrawal had nothing to do with Trump’s performance and everything to do with the fact that he spent the entire performance looking like he’d just woken up on a planet whose name he didn’t know.

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Now, with a new nominee at the top of the ticket, a nominee who has so far appeared immune from Trump’s dumb nicknames (Kamabla???) or any of his stupid insults (She turned Black???), Trump finds himself struggling and on the defensive. His best shot at turning around a campaign that appears to be flailing would, naturally, be on the debate stage. So why is he being all—and yes, I’m going to use the word—weird about it?

Some say he’s afraid. Sen. Elizabeth Warren told MSNBC’s Jen Psaki, “The felon is afraid of the prosecutor—and for damn good reason.” On CNN, Trump’s former aide, Alyssa Farah Griffin, said she thinks Trump’s reluctance has to do with facing potentially tough questions: “There are things he’s going to have to answer for in this debate… and I think he’s afraid of that.” On Bill Maher’s show, CNN anchor Kaitlin Collins said, “I think Trump is really nervous about [the debate]… I talk to a lot of sources in his world… he really has struggled with how to combat her.”

For their part, the Republicans are saying it’s Harris who’s afraid to debate, though she’s given no indication that she has any plans to back out of their meeting. Fox News’ Sean Hannity said, “[Harris] is evidently afraid to debate Trump,” then cited the fact that she rebuffed Trump’s suggestion of a debate on his network, stating it would be “too risky” and she’s “too incompetent,” to visit the land of Fair and Balanced.

The conservative Washington Examiner published the headline, “Kamala Harris is scared of debating Trump, as she should be.” It goes on to say… I’ll be honest; I didn’t read the full article because, you know, Washington Examiner.

So who’s scared of who? My best guess is Trump probably is nervous about debating Harris. After all, she’s younger, sharper, and smarter. Plus, her hair is so much more luscious than his. But I don’t think there’s any chance he’ll actually back out of the debate for a few reasons.

First, he’s terrified of being perceived as weak. Second, he knows he’s currently fading in the polls and needs to make up some ground. Third, and the reason I’m most convinced he won’t back out, is he just likes being on TV. Dude’s a whore.

For her part, I think Harris also probably has a bit of unease about debating Trump for the simple reason that his unpredictability is his superpower. He thinks nothing of just stitching together lies cut from the thinnest of cloths. This week included his assertion that Harris “allowed” 325,000 children to be “trafficked into our country,” further stating that “many of these children are now in sex slavery or they’re dead.”

Too bad his friend Jeffrey Epstein is no longer around to help Trump locate some of those children. Debating Trump is like debating a chimpanzee holding a handful of shit. You know he’s going to fling it. You just don’t where it’s going to land.

While I’m reluctant to make too many predictions, it seems to me that if the Kamala Harris who delivered that DNC acceptance speech last week shows up, she’ll clean the floor with Dirty Don. She was focused, forceful, and polished. She looked presidential.

Unlike speeches, though, debates are unscripted affairs. A misspoken word, a mangled fact, a wayward fly landing on your head. For Trump, none of it matters. His supporters expect neither eloquence nor facts.

For Harris, the expectations are different. She needs to be precise and she needs to directly confront the Shrek-like creature who will undoubtedly be hovering, interrupting, and displaying all the ogrish behavior we’ve all come to know and loathe. America needs to see the current VP going toe-to-toe with the former president—not just standing her ground, but taking his. In other words, she needs to be brilliant. He just needs to stay awake.

Presidential debates are strange electoral tangents. Their usefulness has probably run its course in terms of helping voters compare and contrast candidates on policy. Their utility now is much closer to the utility of YouTube.

Debates are opportunities for candidates to DESTROY, DOMINATE, and DECIMATE. It’s why Trump manages to survive them. Not because he has anything substantive to say, but because he knows the more outrageously he behaves, the more likely he is to generate that viral moment, the one that might inspire the next ear tampon or JD Vance jizz cup.

My best guess is, whether the microphones remain on the whole time or end up muted when the candidate’s opponent is speaking, Trump will do all the Trump things. We’ve seen them, they’re boring. Far more interesting will be Harris’ performance. How will she handle his petulance, his interruptions, his lies? Will she go high when he goes low? Or will she reach out and grab him by the covfefe? I hope she does. She’s a star now, and when you’re a star they just let you do it.