Apparently no longer content with merely terrorizing the English-speaking world with his batshit YouTube Christmas videos that are about as welcome a holiday gift as a hive of angry bees wrapped in a soiled diaper, Kevin Spacey is raising the stakes: He will be terrorizing us from the big screen.
The disgraced actor is, inexplicably, starring in a new movie called Peter Five Eight. It's a thriller written and directed by Michael Zaiko Hall, which is a name you should remember as the answer to the question all your friends will ask when you tell them this exists: “I’m sorry, but who in the hell hired Kevin Spacey to star in another movie?”
The film's debut trailer dropped Thursday on Deadline, which the trade claims is the first major new footage of the star in an acting role in five years.
As they say, some things are worth the wait, and some things you’d be fine waiting forever for. When Spacey begins speaking in his Foghorn Leghorn drawl and stalking a young woman with guns blazing, you’ll arrive at a swift conclusion as to where you stand in that regard.
As they also say, sometimes, forever is too soon.
Spacey was accused of sexual misconduct in 2017, the details of which were horrifying. In a grotesque attempt at deflection, he came out as gay in the wake of the first investigation's publication. He was fired from House of Cards, and his scenes in the film All the Money in the World were completely reshot, with Christopher Plummer replacing him in the role. A biopic of author Gore Vidal that he filmed has remained in limbo, and he hasn’t had a substantial acting role since.
So what cinematic greatness awaits this return to the silver screen?
In Peter Five Eight, he plays a stranger who arrives in a small mountain town and starts trailing a real estate agent who has the kind of past that merits a creepy Kevin Spacey showing up to chase you and scare you and generally make your life really upsetting. At least that last part is relatable.
The tagline for the film is “The Guilty Always Pay the Price,” which is such an epic troll, it’s tempting to be impressed rather than offended.
Spacey actually has another film he’s attached to that’s being shopped around: the historical drama 1242 – Gateway To The West.
As Deadline points out, “There are no shortage of actors and directors tinged with controversy in the Cannes market this year. There are also new films starring or directed by Roman Polanski, Luc Besson, Johnny Depp, Alec Baldwin, and James Franco.”
But, sure, yell at me about cancel culture again.
