Dear Doug Emhoff, Here’s How to Make First Gentleman Your Dream Job

Honey, I can’t wait for you to come back to Chicago because we’re having a great time here!”—Second Gentleman, Doug Emhoff

Yeah, Kamala Harris might become our first female president. Big deal. When it comes to how she performs her job, I don’t expect her to govern any differently than her predecessors; the job is the job regardless of gender. But there’s one position in any presidential administration that has been defined by gender—first spouse. To this point, it’s all been ladies, primarily doing traditional lady stuff (at least publicly): tootling other first spouses around the capital, promoting initiatives in education or healthcare, or “being best™”.

If Harris gets elected, however, the current Second Gentleman will become our nation’s first First Gentleman, and he gets to figure out what that means. To me, it sounds like a dream gig mostly because nobody expects him to do s--t. There’s got to be no better job in the world for a middle-aged dude with plenty of disposable income and a jet at his disposal.

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First Ladies get saddled with all of the boring sideshow stuff that nobody else wants to do—saying hi to Girl Scouts and stuff—and I’m sure he’ll continue to do some of that. But does anybody really expect goofy Doug Emhoff to plan the White House Christmas parties or arrange the place settings at state dinners? No. Hell no. They probably mostly just want him to stay out of the way. Maybe throw on a suit once in a while, shake some hands, and occasionally hang out at the Olympics. I could do that! I’d be great at that.

Any First Spouse’s first job is, of course, to support their partner. Last night, Doug stood by his woman, recounting the dopy voicemail he left her at 8:30 in the morning: “Kamala… it’s Doug. It’s Douuuuuug.” Dork. He praised her intelligence, character, and love for family. It was a terrific and touching speech, exactly the kind of partner Emhoff promised to be when he became Second Gentleman, saying, “I’m the first man to take this role, but I definitely don’t want to the last. So, I am going to do everything I can to set a good example and inspire the next generation of supportive spouses.”

Supporting my wife while she does all the work? Dream gig! I would be so good at hanging out in the White House residence enjoying fruit salad while my wife is downstairs working her ass off. Most stay-at-home spouses have to deal with housework and making dinner and laundry. Doug won’t have to do any of that. If he wants to spend the whole day on his PlayStation, he can spend the whole day on his PlayStation and nobody will care.

Even if he wanted to help, he wouldn’t be allowed. “Hey honey, do you need some help negotiating a cease fire?”

“Sorry babe, you don’t have the security clearance.”

“Ok, guess I’ll just over be here getting drum lessons from Dave Grohl.”

Total dream gig.

Obviously no First Gentleman would want to be perceived as doing nothing or being frivolous, so chances are he’ll get the opportunity to work on a cause. Something he can devote himself to that would improve the lives of everyday Americans. Emhoff has already dedicated himself to fighting antisemitism, which is fine and all, but think about all the fun stuff he could do as the OG FG. Some suggestions: I’d push the Harris administration to officially declare Fridays to be “Pizza Night in America.”

Or I’d use my position as First Gentleman to encourage more Americans to play more poker; a $200 poker credit to every American adult sounds about right. Or what about celebrating our nation’s waterslides? We’ve got some great American waterslides and it’s about time somebody promoted them!

Prior to entering the Biden administration, Emhoff worked as a highly successful entertainment lawyer. He also taught law at Georgetown University.

So maybe he’d want to do something a little more substantive than my suggestions, but perhaps he could pick something a little more fun than “mentoring the next generation of lawyers” as he’s already expressed interesting in doing. That’s all fine and good, but what about mentoring the next generation of WWE Superstars? That would be a lot more fun and involve much better outfits.

First Ladies are routinely subjected to dumb scrutiny involving their hair, their wardrobe, their perceived love (or lack of love in the case of our second-most-recent example) for their husband. I don’t think First Gentleman Emhoff would have to deal with any of that. If he puts on a few pounds, nobody’s going to notice or care. Vogue isn’t going to come sniffing around for a cover shoot. He can be as visible—or invisible—as he wants and nobody’s going to give a single solitary fig.

“Hey babe, they want me to be the Grand Marshall at the Mardi Gras parade.”

“Have fun, sweetie. See you when you get back.”

Dream. Gig.

First Ladies have made a lot of history. We’ve had some amazing ones, starting with our second, Abigail Adams. First Ladies have played consequential roles in many, if not most, presidential administrations. Consider just a few from the previous century: Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Ford, Hilary Clinton, all of whom adapted the job for the times.

They’ve been celebrated and scapegoated. They’ve handled the pressures of life in the public eye in different ways and with varying successes. In a job that isn’t actually a job, they’ve figured out ways to affect policy and shape public sentiment. They walked so others could run, so Emhoff could lounge around in his sweatpants ripping bong hits.

In a sense, the best way our first First Gentleman could support his spouse, as Emhoff has promised to do, is to do nothing. Hang out in the background, handle the fun stuff, shake hands, celebrate and commiserate, be the dude who puts his wife first. Model what it looks like to be the happy second banana to the most powerful person in the world, who just happens to be a woman. Doing little, in his case, would actually be doing a lot.

Dream gig.