Michael Ian Black: The Big Problem With Selling a Kinder, Gentler Donald Trump

After the horrific assassination attempt against him—and the murder of former fire chief Corey Comperatore—at his rally last Saturday, Donald Trump gave an interview to Salena Zito of the Washington Examiner. His mood seemed reflective, almost spiritual, saying it was, “God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening.”

Trump vowed to use the incident to turn away from his caustic rhetoric, ripping up the “humdinger” speech he’d planned on delivering as an attack on Democrats and President Joe Biden in favor of something more temperate. “This is a chance to bring the whole country, even the whole world, together.”

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There’s something deeply ironic about a man who had the opportunity to bring people together during his time as president now turning to a Biden-like message of unity only after something terrible happened to him personally. Nevertheless, I choose to take the man at his word. Perhaps the bullet that grazed his ear also pierced his heart. And so, I would like to offer my services to the former president at crafting kinder and gentler language that still preserves the Republican Party platform.

For example, the first two planks of the platform deal with the sticky issue of immigration. Item 1 is about sealing the border. Item 2 reads, in all caps like the rest of the planks: “CARRY OUT THE LARGEST DEPORTATION OPERATION IN AMERICAN HISTORY”

Hmm.

Gotta be honest here. This might be a little tricky. How do you reframe sending National Guard shock troops into cities and communities around the nation to forcibly round up millions of undocumented neighbors and ship them to the massive internment camps that will be necessary to hold them until they can be kicked out on their asses? Kind of a tall order.

Plus, there’s the issue of Trump’s previous language regarding immigrants. For years, Trump has been calling them rapists, criminals, vermin, mental hospital patients, and prisoners. So how does he now reframe his message in kinder and gentler terms?

Maybe he could stop calling human beings “vermin” and start referring to them as merely “sub-human”? Admittedly still not great, but at least it’s an evolutionary step closer to homo sapiens.

Or, instead of saying, as he did, that “immigrants are poisoning the blood of the country,” with its unfortunate echoes of Mein Kampf, maybe start saying, “Immigrant blood is no different from our blood except that it is riddled with disease.” Again, I admit not great.

But when you’re talking about expelling millions and millions of people, the vast majority of whom have committed no crime greater than cutting the line, it’s a little tough.

Maybe there’s a better example. Item 7 in the platform should be an easy one to rally the nation behind. It reads (again, in all caps): “DEFEND OUR CONSTITUTION, OUR BILL OF RIGHTS, AND OUR FUNDAMENTAL FREEDOMS, INCLUDING FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF RELIGION, AND THE RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS”

What patriotic American could disagree with that sentiment? I mean, we love the Constitution, don’t we, folks? Who would argue against our fundamental freedoms? Not THIS American. After all, it’s the First Amendment that guarantees the government will not impose a religion or religious tests on its populace. I’d like to see Trump really run with this message, by saying something like, “We love all Americans, regardless of their religious beliefs. Which is why I am asking my fellow Republicans tonight to turn away from the growing Christian Nationalist movement and to embrace the many faiths of our great nation, all of whom have as much claim to the truth as Christians.”

That should go over well, I think. Healing, unifying, generous. A great message. Now, I’m no fan of the Second Amendment, but I recognize that “THE RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS” is important to many Americans, so maybe Trump could find some unifying language on that front. Something like, “Our great Second Amendment needs to be preserved, but after I came within an inch of losing my life to a bullet, I now recognize that more can be done to preserve our rights while also protecting our citizenry. Which is why I am announcing my support for commonsense gun reform that majorities of all Americans want to see passed and I will work with Democrats and my fellow Republicans to get it done.”

See how easy this is? What about No. 8, which reads, “PREVENT WORLD WAR THREE, RESTORE PEACE IN EUROPE AND IN THE MIDDLE EAST, AND BUILD A GREAT IRON DOME MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD OVER OUR ENTIRE COUNTRY -- ALL MADE IN AMERICA

Ok, that’s a tall order so let’s break it down a little bit. Preventing World War III. Great, no notes. Nobody would argue with preventing another global conflagration. Love it.

Moving on to restoring peace in Europe and in the Middle East. See, when we get down to specifics, the sledding gets a little rougher. Just look at the European component for a second. Trump has, famously, tried out his unity message with Putin well before he decides to try it out on his own country. So he has some experience. The problem is that Trump’s plan for ending the Ukraine war is to give Putin everything he wants. And yes, that may bring “peace” to Europe, but at the cost of the entire nation of Ukraine.

Maybe he could say something like, “My dear friend Vladimir Putin, who is a genius like me, knows a little something about land management. After all, Russia is a very big, beautiful place. I know it very well. When I am President, I will instruct President Zelenskyy of Ukraine to allow my friend Vladimir to manage Ukraine.” Doesn’t that sound better than the very negative “occupy”? Or the equally belligerent “annex”?

Same thing in the Middle East. A two-state solution is obviously not going to happen in a second Trump administration, so Trump could encourage Netanyahu to continue to “redevelop” Gaza. He could say something along the lines, “Nobody knows construction better than me. Some of these buildings in Gaza needed refurbishment and my dear Benjamin Netanyahu—where are you, Bibi?—has volunteered to redevelop the entire area at no cost to the Palestinian people. aside form their lives.”

Hmm. As I read that back, I’m realizing that it’s kind of hard to dress up inhumanity. The problem with a message of unity and healing that isn’t backed up by policies that promote humanitarianism, generosity, empathy, and kindness is that the words, however gentle, belie the intentions. I am grateful that President Trump wasn’t seriously injured the other day. I am hopeful for his newfound belief in national, and global, unity. However, I am extremely doubtful that his deeds will match his words.

I do not doubt that almost losing your life refocuses your priorities. I do not doubt his sincerity in the moment. But it will take more than a grazed ear for me to trust anything he says. Having survived a terrifying ordeal, a man who has spent a lifetime lying to the public now appears to be lying to himself.