I am very, very worried, darling. Where do we even begin with the most pertinent concern draping itself across international waters, touching every soul the world over? Yes, you guessed it (because you feel it too!): We must address Harry Styles’ acting—our sanity depends on it.
As a Harry Styles fan since my senior year of high school, I must admit it has been a catastrophic week. What initially seemed like a win for all of us, when Styles posed cleavage-out for the global September issue of Rolling Stone, quickly devolved into absolute chaos.
It began with an absurd quote from the singer-actor-heartthrob, whose character in the upcoming film My Policeman is gay. When asked about the film’s erotic nature, Styles said this nonsense: “So much of gay sex in film is two guys going at it, and it kind of removes the tenderness from it. There will be, I would imagine, some people who watch it who were very much alive during this time when it was illegal to be gay, and [director Michael Grandage] wanted to show that it’s tender and loving and sensitive.”
First of all, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Any gay man sitting in on this interview would be biting their cheeks, trying not to cackle at just how untrue that is. As a self-appointed connoisseur of gay cinema, I can safely say that the boy I’ve had a crush on since I was 18 years old has no idea what he’s talking about. And that’s disappointing! I want Harry Styles the thespian to know what he’s doing.
But quotes can be argued or even misrepresented. Both context and personal relationships to cinema could float this one seemingly silly statement to clarity. But video proof is indisputable. So when a new clip from Styles’ upcoming, even-more-highly-anticipated film Don’t Worry Darling hit the web on Wednesday, it was pure bedlam. Here was proof of Harry Styles’ amateur abilities, served up on a silver platter. No counter arguments could withstand this irrefutable display of a complete lack of knowledge about the art of cinema.
Do me a quick favor. Rewatch that clip with a notepad and pen, and scribble down what accent you think Styles is supposed to have in this film. That may sound like an easy task, but your pad is about to be all ink. By my astute, barely-passed-8th-grade-geography calculations, he’s going from Midwestern to British to Yugoslavian to Norwegian, touching back somewhere on the Florida coastline, and then making a beeline straight for the shores of Canada.
How we reached this point is anyone’s guess. But this horrifying vocal display is just the latest in a long line of ever-growing controversy and scandal surrounding Don’t Worry Darling. But with the release of this clip, the biggest mystery surrounding this thriller isn’t its still-under-wraps plot, but whether Harry Styles’ character is British, American, or the grown-up version of Dorit Kemsley’s son Jagger, who picked up her ever-changing transatlantic accent.
Unsurprisingly (and deservedly), Twitter was quick to light up on the accent work. One user compared it to Glenn Howerton’s Dennis in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia doing a horrific British accent after he has a break from reality. Another user commented, “If Harry’s gonna keep acting, he needs to be cast in a role that changed his accent or appearance…that man just keeps playing himself.”
And that’s the other thing: Compared to his electric scene partner Florence Pugh, who is not only doing a flawless American accent in just five words but also showing an endless well of emotive expressions, Styles is floundering. And it brings me no joy to say that! I didn’t sign up for all of this, but I’m bound to it anyway by a decade of fandom.
Watching the clip for the 30th time, I can practically see the cogs turning inside his head, beneath his majestically coiffed brunette mane, going through his script word by word. And those gorgeous green eyes? Focused on the bridge of Pugh’s nose, not moving an inch, for fear of ruining the take.
To be completely fair, this is only Harry Styles’ third major role, on the heels of an iCarly appearance and what I would call more of a guest-starring credit in Christopher Nolan’s sound-barrier-shattering Dunkirk. He’s still new to this! And as a fan for the last decade, I’m the first to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, this is only a 19-second clip from an entire film. Maybe the origins of his Tallahassee-by-way-of-the-Thames accent will all be explained away.
One thing is for certain—whoever can get ahold of Olivia Wilde and ascertain what these accent origins are supposed to be will have the scoop of a lifetime on their hands. I wish it could be me, but the past five days of being a never-wavering Harry Styles fan have already left me with enough battle scars for a lifetime. I may be strong, but I’m not infallible.
You can catch me planted in the theater on Sept. 23, wearing large sunglasses, a trench coat, and a fedora so ugly that no one could even think it was someone as fashionable as me. I’ll be seated and ready for whatever torment lies in store for me. Real love means never having to say you’re sorry, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel a little shame.
