Have you ever looked into the eyes of a foul God and asked him why he chose to be cast out of Heaven? Inquired about why he rebuked redemption to take on the form of an ancient evil, beyond all mortal comprehension? I’ve been grappling with coming face to face with unfettered wickedness for the last 24 hours, and her name is Heidi Klum.
Or, more specifically, Heidi Klum dressed as an earthworm.
If you do not know by now, consider yourself lucky. I’d say that you should click off this page, but it’s too late: Heidi Klum Worm has already lured you here as an unwitting participant in her ungodly games. And so, we forge on.
At her 21st annual Halloween party, supermodel and reality television star Heidi Klum managed to top every terrifying, hyper-realistic costume that she has ever worn in the past. That includes a horror-show version of Princess Fiona from Shrek, a terrifyingly lifelike model of the human muscle system, and herself…old. After a two-year pause of the biggest celebrity Halloween event of the year due to COVID, Klum wanted to come back with a bang. She returned, instead, with a hobble.
Klum maneuvered her way onto the step-and-repeat Monday night confined somewhere inside a giant worm costume. But don’t be fooled, fair human. This was not Heidi Klum dressed as a worm. This was what happened when Heidi Klum’s DNA was mistakenly crossed with that of a live earthworm, as a Cronenbergian mishap is the only proper way to explain the way this abomination looks.
Accompanied by her husband—musician Tom Kaulitz, dressed as a fisherman who hooked Klum’s worm, naturally—Klum wiggled in front of the press line to earnestly answer questions about her look. Had I known this was happening, I would’ve sprinted out my door and down to the A Train to ride it all the way to SoHo, where the party took place, to see if I could finagle my way into an interview. I am nothing but a humble servant to the worm.
I’m not sure I’ve seen a funnier sight in the year 2022 than Heidi Klum, looking like the understudy of the monster from Tremors, so sweetly telling a reporter, “I want to put a smile on people’s faces!” while her orange eyes dart back and forth. I have yet to uncover video evidence that Klum could blink in this costume, and am starting to think all footage of any blinking was erased to create fear in the hearts of children across the nation. The Old Gods didn’t need to blink—they were here long before evolution deemed that a necessity.
But just like Christina Aguilera told us so long ago, it keeps gettin’ better. Klum, seemingly aiming for lifelike naturalism or perhaps just unable to move, laid down on the carpet and took interview questions that way. George Clooney and Julia Roberts just made a whole movie billed as a “comedy” and nothing in it could come even remotely close to making me laugh as hard as Klum, all eyes and mouth, saying, “I wanted to be something random, I wanted to think outside of the box.”
Heidi Klum has given us evidence that transmogrification is no longer just a concept, but a scientific possibility. This is the big stuff. This is what we pay taxes for, people! To know that money comes out of my hard-earned paycheck so Heidi Klum can make herself look like those hunger hallucinations people get in movies where they start envisioning everyone as bacon? That’s the kind of thing that helps me sleep at night.
I haven’t been this invigorated—downright teeming with vitality and zest for life—since Wendy Williams appeared on The Masked Singer burping into her mic singing “Native New Yorker” dressed as a giant pair of lips. These kinds of things are not afforded to us mere mortals very often, and we must address them with equal parts reverence and fear.
Make no mistake, I am as affectionate about Heidi Klum Worm as I am wary. Like vampires or Elon Musk, they only have a free pass to wreak havoc if we let them into our homes even once. I am smart enough to recognize a demon from the eighth circle of Hell when I see one. This worm has wriggled back below the surface but will live on in the tales we tell of it. It will be made into legend until it’s called forth once more to wreak havoc on us all—particularly those scrolling through Twitter on Halloween evening, baked out of their minds and unable to decipher the cataclysmic images on their phones.
How many souls did this worm take? The numbers have yet to surface. But both for better and for worse, this worm has changed us forevermore. All hail Heidi Klum Worm.
