I like to consider myself a healthy person, which is why I began my morning with a half-hour workout, followed by a facial of cold steam, and then settled in for a nice, cold glass of Pilk to awaken the senses.
Let me back up for a second, for all of you who may be unaware of the hippest and hottest trend to hit the self-care space since Gwyneth Paltrow’s vaginal egg.
On Dec. 1, Christmas came early with another unexpected gift from one Lindsay Lohan. Lohan has been making the rounds on her Falling for Christmas comeback tour, and capped this week’s festivities off with a high-gloss magazine spread and the introduction of her favorite holiday beverage: Pilk.
What is Pilk? Oh god, I’m so glad that you asked! I’ve been dying to share. Pilk is Pepsi and milk. Please hold your jeers and retching—this is not a space for haters! I, too, was initially turned off by the sound of an ultra-sugary, syrupy soft drink and pasteurized cows’ milk swirling together as one toxic sludge of drinkable abomination. But I am also nothing if not a hungry little swine for bonkers capitalism, which is precisely what this advertisement is.
Do you feel it too, your disgust breaking down? I’m not sure whether it’s the jazzy “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” piano playing throughout, the ASMR sounds of the Pepsi and milk pouring (if you’re the foley artist on this ad, please reach out!), or Lindsay Lohan once again cashing in on the nostalgia of Mean Girls with the Santa outfit. Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t heard a celebrity say the word “milk” without “pea,” “cashew,” or “cheesecloth” in front of it since 2007.
But whatever it is, it sent me to the organic market by my apartment at 8:30 a.m. to get my hands on the fixins’ for some Pilk. I live in a Diet Coke household, so there was no Pepsi available. But there’s just something about being hit by the brisk December air when you emerge into the morning headfirst, knowing you’re about to walk 10 blocks for Pepsi and milk, that just screams “holidays!”
I received a slight side-eye from the cashier upon putting down my 20 oz. bottle of full-sugar Pepsi next to a bottle of organic kombucha, but the duality of man comes in many forms. One part of you wants a healthy gut biome with adequate flora and fauna. And the other part of you—the id—demands Pilk.
Upon returning home, I gleefully set down my reusable bag and unloaded my haul. For Pilk, only the finest stemless, acrylic IKEA wine glass would do. And if you’re going to do Pilk, you do it right: pour the soda (the “nice,” as Lindsay says in the video) and then the milk (the “naughty,” for ominous reasons undisclosed). No ice, as both the milk I had in my fridge and the Pepsi were already cold—and what could be worse than watery Pilk?
I’ll confess, I only poured about one-fourth of the Pepsi into the glass, matched with an equal part skim milk. One 20oz bottle of Pepsi is a whopping 138 percent of your recommended daily value of added sugars, according to the nutrition label. And if my mother knew that I was having even a fraction of that before 10 a.m., she’d fly to New York City and burn down my apartment herself. And she’d be right to! Anyone with any sort of sugar or glucose sensitivity should consult their physician before trying Pilk, which really should’ve been in illegible text at the bottom of the advertisement.
Since it was already in a wine glass, I swirled the Pilk just enough for it to emit a frothy bouquet for scent assessment, but not enough to alter any carbonation properties. It smells like, well, soda and milk. I would describe the scent as Bath & Body Works-adjacent, like the three-wick Frosted Sugar Cookie candle your aunt got you for Christmas when you were 12 (assuming that experience is universal).
The sensation of pouring Pilk-to-mouth is unlike any other. There’s an unmistakable creamy froth that packs a surprising punch on the tongue. Not a bad mouth-feel either; very palatable carbonation, like a bottle of Perrier left open for three hours. And the taste? I have to level with you here: Pilk is delicious.
You might’ve been screaming at your screen this entire time, “It’s just like a root beer float, dummy!” And you’d be mostly correct, except that root beer has a distinct tang to it, thanks to the sassafras, and as Britney Spears once said, “Pepsi’s Pepsi.” Plain milk also contributes a much more intriguing taste than the overwhelming flavor-blast that is vanilla ice cream. It gives the beverage a bit more of an umami profile. So, spare me, Pilk is its own thing. And yes, it’s honestly delicious. I’m so afraid to admit that Lindsay Lohan and Pepsi had a point here: That is one dirty soda!
Now, if you’re concerned about the sugar intake or the lactose, I’ve also kept you in mind. I am not lactose intolerant, because I was raised on the Great Plains of North Dakota, which means I was bred with a strong constitution for milk. But if you’ve got some sensitivities, let’s consider your alternatives.
I tried both skim and one-percent Pilk, and honestly, the less creamy the better. Go for an equal viscosity between the two liquids and you can thank me later. But there are some additional options, courtesy of what I had in my fridge already!
There’s Oat Pilk, which adds an earthy taste to the concoction—just shake well beforehand, no one likes lumpy Pilk. There’s also Peggnog, which was a direct assault on God’s trust in humanity and might trigger the rapture a little early, so sorry about that. And finally, there is Miet Moke, for diet-conscious, Coca-Cola brand households like my own. Without igniting a war, let’s just say that Pepsi is the better choice here. Tainting something as high-class as Diet Coke with anything other than some fresh lime or lemon is waste of time, money, and scruples.
But there’s nothing like Pilk Classic. I’ve been vibrating for the last two hours, smashing the keys of my keyboard on a high so potent that the FDA needs to intervene and determine whether or not Pilk should be classified as a controlled substance. What a way to kick off the holiday season, with an ice-cold glass of pure, celebrity-endorsed sewage. Pilk might even be one of the most ingenious marketing campaigns of the year.
In fact, I’m a little afraid of what I’ll consume if there’s a Christmas tree anywhere in the advertisement. What’s next, Pater? Porange Juice? Poffee?! Slap a red bow on it and throw in a few piano chords of jingle bells and I’ll compromise my health no question. And that, my friends, is the reason for the season.
