Remember how it felt in December 2012, when everyone was pretty sure the world wasn’t going to end like the Mayan calendar “predicted,” but we couldn’t be, like, 100 percent sure? That’s sort of how it feels watching the lead-up to Kim Kardashian’s Marilyn Monroe Met Gala Moment on this week’s episode of The Kardashians.
There’s a strange tension in the air as the sisters start to prepare their looks for the biggest night in fashion, and Kim has an idea in her head that she just can’t seem to let go of. She wants the Marilyn Monroe “Happy Birthday” dress, and she’ll stop at nothing to get it, going as far as telling the cameras, “I won’t take no for an answer.” Kim seems to have an incredibly surface-level idea of what Monroe’s life was really like, outside of her status as an iconic sex symbol (we’re guessing Kim didn’t see Blonde either)—which resulted in some truly comical scenes where she tries to explain Monroe’s career.
In the episode, Kim’s journey to the Met Gala is stretched about as much as Monroe’s actual dress was when Kim tried it on. In the the meantime, Khloé’s denying thousands of dollars in handouts from Tristan Thompson for their daughter’s birthday party; Kourtney and Travis have melded their flesh to become one dual-human (just kidding, but kind of); and Kris Jenner is wandering around looking like she just stepped off a $15 Frontier Airlines flight to Florida. So, just your typical week at the Kardashian Kompound!
Kyndall: Before we dig into the Marilyn Monroe of it all, we start this episode with True’s 4th birthday party, which Khloé clearly scheduled on a day Tristan would have a basketball game. There’s no way that was a coincidence, right?
Coleman: Definitely not, especially when we consider that Kris told Khloé that Tristan told her that he had taken care of the entire party’s expenses. Offhand estimate, that’s upwards of $200,000. (Those expensive cakes that get thrown away cost at least $10K.) Khloé, of course, says it’s a nice gesture but she’s not going to let that happen. “You should,” replies Kris. I, personally, think it’s a good idea for Khloé not to accept a huge chunk of change from her philandering boyfriend, lest it be used as any kind of leverage. I was surprised Kris, Miss Manager, didn’t see it the same way.
Khloé and Kris.
HuluKyndall: These women are obsessed with making the shitty men in their lives feel loved and welcomed for the sake of their kids’ happiness. So I wasn’t surprised Kris wanted to document Tristan seeming like a good dad and partner for once. However, everyone knows that paying for things when you can’t show up in a physical or emotional capacity is classic deadbeat behavior. I was proud of Khloé for not falling for it. Taking money as some sort of consolation for all the humiliation he caused her would be even more embarrassing. And True doesn’t give a shit about who pays for what.
Coleman: Thankfully she knows that now. Kim, however, did not know the dress code to the party (pastels) and showed up in the ugly Balenciaga motocross uniform, which Kris also wore later while Kylie was trying on her look for the Met Gala. It’s always staggering how this family’s outfit choices will be on point in one scene and, in the next, Kris will look like someone’s belligerently drunk uncle trudging around the barbecue after one too many Dos Equis before someone puts him down for a nap. I was taken aback until we settled in with Kim to begin the never-ending Marilyn dress saga.
Kyndall: This behind-the-scenes look at Kim’s journey to the Met was as vapid and trite as I had hoped. Thankfully, I’m not a Monroe obsessive, or else I think I would have a heart attack watching Kim discuss her affinity for Marilyn in the most reductive terms. At several points throughout the episode, I was curious if Kim had any idea what Marilyn’s occupation was outside of “pretty, curvy woman.” I think my favorite insight from her was, “When [Marilyn] sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to JFK, she was like—woof—America.”
Coleman: Kyndall, I. Was. Screaming. Kim’s idea of Marilyn’s career and legacy is, and I quote, “I love that she did things her way. She transformed herself to be this complete icon, and now everyone on the planet knows who she is. Much respect.” I wanted to give Kim credit so badly, but I would wager Ramona Singer knows more about Marilyn Monroe than she does. My three-year-old niece does.
Kyndall: This is where Producer Danielle should’ve stepped up and tested Kim’s knowledge of Marilyn. The producers could’ve scanned Marilyn’s Wikipedia page and rehearsed some answers to make Kim seem even slightly interested in this woman as a multi-dimensional human being. Instead, the editors play the same archival footage of Marilyn approaching the podium to sing “Happy Birthday” to JFK maybe 50 times.
Overall, I was more mystified by Kim thinking she could fit into this garment given her cartoonish proportions. I’ve always been confused about Kim’s size and whether her posterior is actually “big” or just looks big on her because she only weighs a dollar and some change. We learn from Khloé that she has to tailor her underwear, which is… something. But Kim also says she can just magically fit into things like a “shape shifter.” Someone explain this living, breathing optical illusion to me!
Kim at the Met Gala on May 2.
Cindy Ord/MG22/Getty for The Met Museum/VogueColeman: “A shape shifter” is a very fun, mystical-storybook way of saying that you’ve had your body surgically perfected and can throw money at personal trainers to do the rest. Kim’s figure is like those pictures where you look once and see a vase and then you look harder and see two people kissing. It is ever-changing to the naked eye.
Kim slipped right into the Ripley’s dummy dress, no problem. But of course she was never going to get the actual dress on without some crash body modification. It was absurd of her to think she would. And besides that, she keeps saying that this dress is “a story, a whole vibe.” It’s not…at all! It’s a stunt. I wish she’d just own up to being a stunt queen.
Kyndall: I didn’t experience any “vibes” from this game of dress-up. The gown is gorgeous, but Marilyn’s sex appeal is what really made that look. Yes, Kim is a “sexy” person, as in she dresses scantily from time to time. But she lacks the effortlessness and spontaneity of a proper sex symbol. There’s nothing tempting or provocative about the queen of beige, antiseptic fashion walking around in another nude dress. We also know that Kanye West has also hyped Kim up as the 21st century Marilyn Monroe, so it all just comes across as very calculated.
Coleman: So very true. What is fascinating about this dress when Kim is wearing nude skims 98 percent of the time? Kim is not an ideas person—meaning plural, because she only has one idea and rolls with it, with no creative input because she surrounds herself with “Yes” people. It’s also bewildering how Kim can show up to a power luncheon with her sisters to discuss the Blac Chyna case looking totally stylish in a flame-print dress and furry Balenciaga sunglasses, and then show up to the biggest event in fashion looking like the human distillation of narcolepsy.
Kyndall: Oh my god. I was so happy when Kim showed up looking like a villain from The Incredibles. Where was this ingenuity at the Met?? But yes, the sisters have another conversation about Blac Chyna’s lawsuit where they yet again seem deeply unbothered. Khloé tries to add some stakes to this storyline by reminding her sisters that their fate is in the hands of a bunch of strangers who could hate their guts. Arguably, this is probably their 50th lawsuit in their time in the public, so I get Kim and Kourtney’s nonchalance. Kourtney also isn’t being sued, which she reminds us by telling her sisters she’ll be at a dress fitting while they’re fighting for their lives in court. LOL.
Kim and Kourtney.
HuluColeman: Can’t think of a bigger self-own than laughing in your sisters’ faces and then jetting off to Milan to try on a bunch of Dolce & Gabbana. I know I’ve said it ad nauseum, but must Kourtney and Travis wear matching red leopard pajamas on the jet? They’re in some twisted 1950s, Don’t Worry Darling reality.
When they arrive in Milan at the Dolce atelier, Travis and Kourtney—the single entity that they are—keep talking about how nervous they are. And I was like, for what? A fitting? You’re giving some controversial designers a little extra clout, I think you’ll be fine. And then they keep ordering Italian coffee as if the caffeine combined with their much-talked-about nerves isn’t going to plug up those old, Italian pipes. You guys, be sensible! But I suppose asking for any sensibility from these sisters isn’t worth wasting my breath.
Sibling Superlatives
Strongest Sister: Our weekly award of highest esteem is being handed to one Khloé Kardashian this week. Her denial of Tristan Thompson’s handout for her daughter’s birthday party was a very cool move. And not only did she refuse it, but she maintained a totally level head after Kris sprung Thompson’s offer to her on-camera. Just a simple, smiling, “That’s very nice, but I won’t let him do that.” Her brain scan was right: She is resilient!
Most Body-Negative Moment: Unsurprisingly, there isn’t a huge emphasis on Kim’s weight-loss journey to fit into the Marilyn dress, given how much scrutiny she garnered for disclosing that she lost 13 pounds on the red carpet. However, we do see her tell an assistant that she’s going to lose 10 pounds and a brief workout montage that felt very Beyoncé’s Homecoming, but sadder. Health and fitness journeys can be inspirational when done correctly. But this has nothing to do with health. It is someone mindlessly treating their body like a ball of Play-Doh.
Funniest Childhood Anecdote: We finally learn the origins of Khloé as the self-designated “funny” Kardashian when Kris shares a story about the time she identified as a dog when she was 4. Kris tells us that she would bark at everyone and lick strangers’ legs while an editor zooms in on Khloé’s childhood pictures. There’s no fun or wacky music in the background—just silence—making this entire segment seem like it belongs in a serial-killer doc. But good to know Khloé’s comic sensibilities are organic!
Most Buckwild Photoshop Fail: In what was one of the most shocking admissions across the 235 seasons of these shows, Kim confessed that she photoshopped Khloé’s daughter True’s face onto Kylie’s daughter Stormi’s body in photos from Disneyland. Apparently, Kylie didn’t want any pictures of Stormi out in public. Kim simply had to do this because there were some poppin’ pinks in one of the pictures, and Kim needed a photo with the color pink on her grid to fit her own self-imposed color story. Therefore, we are choosing to accept that we were right about Khloé and Kris photoshopping the hell out of their Children’s Place holiday campaign.
