In Pablo Larráin’s 2016 film Jackie, Natalie Portman—playing John F. Kennedy’s wife Jaqueline Kennedy, following her husband’s death—bleakly mutters, “There won’t be another Camelot, not another Camelot.” She’s referring to the mythic perception of JFK’s presidency, one that some viewed as the ideal marriage of a country and its leader. The line is an abridged version of a real quote from Kennedy, but unfortunately for her, she was wrong.
There will be another Camelot. In fact: We’re in it right now, thanks to Jackie Kennedy’s grandson, Jack Schlossberg.
If you’re unfamiliar with Schlossberg, there’s no need to feel left behind. The only grandson of John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis has only just blown up on the internet, thanks to X users picking up one of Schlossberg’s recent Instagram stories. Schlossberg is a graduate of Yale and Harvard’s Business and Law schools, but like all men with a sense of vivacity and an irrepressible joie de vivre, he’s put public service on hold and instead is becoming a confounding Instagram personality. Several videos of Schlossberg have gone viral, with people online thirsting over his shirtless content and applauding his candid ridiculing of cousin Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Schlossberg is already the new darling of the New York Post and its writers, after he posted a video making fun of his cousin’s flagging presidential run. (An endorsement from disgraced old queen Kevin Spacey is not exactly an ideal vote of approval.) In Schlossberg’s video, he takes on the personalities of random American voters, adopting vocal affectations and accents to lampoon his cousin. “That guy, he’s a prick!” says “Jimmy,” a Massachusetts-born voter with a Boston accent. “I raised horses, and you can always tell when a horse is being pumped full of testosterone—steroids don’t help the horse think any better!” continues “Wade,” a voter with a Southern accent.
This isn’t Schlossberg’s first time ridiculing his cousin, either. Last September, Schlossberg and his mother, Caroline, appeared on Today to discuss another video that Schlossberg posted on Instagram, one that was more straightforward in formally denouncing RFK Jr.’s presidential run. “I have no idea why anyone thinks he should be president,” Schlossberg said in the clip. “What I do know is: His candidacy is an embarrassment.” Schlossberg also took issue with his cousin using his presidential run and his family’s name as a bid for fame. “He’s trading in on Camelot, celebrity, conspiracy theories, and conflict for personal gain and fame,” Schlossberg said in the video, referencing Kennedy’s ludicrous belief that vaccines are ineffective.
The reaction to Schlossberg’s video imitating different voters resulted in a mixture of thirst and near-unanimous praise. As one X user so succinctly put it: “This man has a weird combination of the Kennedy, Bouvier, and Schlossberg genes that make him oddly resemble his late uncle, but he’s also fucking funny.” Others called the video a “must-watch,” while some thought Schlossberg had “the stunning good looks and effortless charisma of one who kills without remorse.” And, uh, yeah! That’s exactly why Schlossberg is so attractive. I’m not proud to admit that I’d accept a dinner invite from American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman, but I would in a heartbeat.
After a video of Schlossberg, shirtless and coquettishly singing The Beatles’ “Ticket to Ride” lit up conservative social media, Schlossberg has gained a legion of new fans, happy to support his chaotic posting habits. It’s the natural push-and-pull response of a politically divided country, but everyone backing Schlossberg and cheering him on has the right idea. Schlossberg is the most compelling Kennedy that we’ve seen in decades, someone capable of twisting the public’s idea of what members of a political dynasty should be into something fresh, exciting, and, most importantly, fun. In an election year that only grows more disquieting, Schlossberg’s unexpected entry into the narrative is a godsend for the politically fatigued.
For what it’s worth: I called dibs. Let it be known that I’ve been tracking Schlossberg’s online movements for a while. Not because I was particularly involved with who his family is or what he does, but because he has prominent features and an even bigger, goofy personality, which is exactly the type of man I am wont to thirst-follow the moment a drop of natural orange wine even touches my lips. In April, Schlossberg posted a story of himself singing along to David Guetta and Rihanna’s 2010 song, “Who’s That Chick?” I would consider this to be the peak male form; Michelangelo’s David, reborn for the modern age and pounding his chest to an underrated EDM-pop tune that doubly served as a Doritos ad.
But even before that, I’d been tapped in, following Schlossberg’s Instagram account because I find it genuinely fascinating. “Jackuno” is Schlossberg’s own little online world, a playground where he posts photos of himself paddleboarding (hot), videos supporting his mother, Caroline Kennedy (hotter), and cryptic joke posts where he elucidates the multiple meanings of different words (hottest—and I say that when there are photos of him flexing readily available on the grid.) This guy’s a bonafide goofball, an agile imp who loves to bop around and do whatever he pleases. How could you not be charmed by that?
To see a member of America’s foremost political dynasty being an adorable lummox in champion of progressive politics is one thing, but seeing him do it to wage an inter-family war is even better. It’s not like that massive conglomerate of people who share a bloodline aren’t gossiping about each other all the time already. They’re a family, of course they probably talk about each other behind their backs. I’d much rather hear about this than another news story of a Kennedy drowning, or being present while someone else drowns! Submerge me in Schlossberg content, it’s a far preferable way to go.
And I’m not the only one. The thirst for Schlossberg after that shirtless “Ticket to Ride” video is reaching critical mass, with one user commenting that he’ll “put you through the mattress,”—fantasizing about what he might be like in the bedroom. (I recognize it’s hypocritical of me to ask for a little couth online after just writing about the watery deaths of multiple people, but it’s called adapting a global viewpoint, okay?) Schlossberg’s dainty mannerisms and mercurial nature in front of a camera have made him an instant fixture in the gay social media circuit. Schlossberg is May’s White Boy of the Month. “If he ain’t gay, he’s missed a hell of an opportunity,” one user commented.
Unfortunately for our community at large, Schlossberg is (almost) definitely not gay, but rather has mastered the fleeting art form of acting super queenie as an indicator of his own heterosexuality. He’s the ultimate straight wingman, the kind of guy who will go to a Shawn Mendes concert with Queer Eye star Antoni Porowski and probably find Porowski a guy to go home with. Schlossberg’s boldness and lack of fear over acting stereotypically feminine points to his security in himself. I’ve had full-blown anal sex with gay guys who put on a more falsified air of heterosexuality. I wish more of the guys at bars, parties, and the gay hookup apps would ditch the performative masculinity and just let themselves be as ridiculous as Schlossberg is.
This delightfully neurotic online presence is the closest thing we have to a modern Big and Little Edie if we were to put two smartphones in a box on the stoop of Grey Gardens for them to film themselves with and knock on the door before bolting. (Or, if I guess, if either of them were alive.) Zaniness is in Schlossberg’s blood! Why anyone would want him to temper this infectious behavior is so far beyond me. Politics are serious business, sure. But we need figures in the mix who know how to amuse us—and I don’t just mean Kamala Harris laughing her ass off every chance she gets. It’s so much more enjoyable to watch someone in a political dynasty break away from the buttoned-up image that some people demand of people just because they share a lineage with a few prominent civil figures.
It’s so charming that I’m ready to vote for whoever Schlossberg tells me to. Today, it might be Joe Biden. Tomorrow, it may be a coconut with googly eyes on it. Whatever and whoever it is, I want them in that Oval Office come January 2025.
