Watching the episode of American Horror Story: Delicate where Kim Kardashian suspiciously went missing, and when my family dog died: the two worst days of my life so far. Luckily, a third awful day will not be added to that list, as Kardashian’s character has returned to AHS: Delicate after last week’s drought. Suddenly, everything is right in the world again, at least for the 29 minutes of the one-hour time slot where the show was actually playing. (This week’s episode, the penultimate installment before next week’s season finale, ended 10 whole minutes before its scheduled airtime block on FX did.)
Yes, Kardashian’s colossal biotch of a high-powered Hollywood publicist, Siobhan Corbyn, is back, and we finally have a sense of exactly what wicked deeds she’s been cooking up this entire season. After helping her client-slash-bestie, actress Anna Victoria Alcott (Emma Roberts), rise to superstardom by making Anna’s indie film The Auteur into a surprise hit, Siobhan has set her sights on younger, fresh meat: Anna’s unborn child. Isn’t that just the way Tinseltown is? Always looking for the next big thing before the first one has even had a chance to fizzle out.
But we’ve had hints about Siobhan’s true intentions all season. After last week’s episode, which ditched everyone’s favorite character in favor of finally giving this season’s audience of 71 people some much-needed exposition, things had to be taken a little bit further this week. And by “further,” I mean they had to go completely off the fucking rails. Ryan Murphy might not be AHS: Delicate’s showrunner, but make no mistake: This is still a Ryan Murphy production through and through, and that means fumbling the landing entirely. At least in this week’s episode, we got the absolute most ludicrous homage to Rosemary’s Baby, scatological humor, and a lesbian kiss—all featuring Kardashian. I suppose if they’re going to sacrifice intelligent storytelling, the least they can do is make AHS: Delicate into a Scary Movie-level parody of itself.
Episode 8—or, Episode 3 of AHS: Delicate Part 2; take your pick—begins with that abysmal recreation of Rosemary’s Baby, complete with an unnecessary Roman Polanski character. (Imagine being that actor and calling your parents to excitedly tell them you booked a speaking role, only to reveal that it’s as a disgraced pedophile director.) An actress who looks nothing like Mia Farrow (Gaby Slape) aside from her blonde pixie cut recreates the famous scene where Polanski had Farrow walk into real New York City traffic—a stunt that has since been recreated by the equally maniacal Abby Lee Miller on Dance Moms. After the scene, the store brand Mia Farrow walks back into her dressing room and hallucinates her fake pregnancy belly enduring a miscarriage. An offscreen, disembodied vocal fry tells her, “Take it off!” Mia does as she’s told and turns around to thank the woman standing behind her. Surprise! It’s Siobhan in a ’60s swoop bang and bandana. When Mia asks Siobhan how she knew what to do, Siobhan just smiles and says, “Woman’s intuition.”
Emma Roberts and Kim Kardashian.
FXI was almost willing to forgive last week’s horrible, Siobhan-free episode after this absolutely batty opening sequence alone, until the rest of this episode devolved into an utter disaster. Long story very short: Siobhan’s scheming worked, and Anna receives an Oscar nomination for her role in The Auteur while she’s already about eight months pregnant. Typically, there are usually two or so months between when the Oscar nominees are announced and when the ceremony is held, but not in AHS world! Anna’s got to have her baby at the Oscars for this loony plot to make any sense, so the Oscars are seemingly held the week after the nominations are announced.
Upon arriving at their hotel in Los Angeles, Siobhan points to a corner of a hallway and says, “Oh my God, this is where Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into a plant!” Polanski and Weinstein in one episode? How tasteful. AHS: Delicate has been trying to make vague commentary on Hollywood and the treatment of women for its whole season, but has yet to nail any concrete messaging, so this all just scans as off-color jokes. The next day—Oscar morning—Siobhan strolls into Anna’s hotel room carrying a half-caf latte, which Anna doesn’t need, since she darts off to the bathroom the moment Siobhan enters. In reality, this is because Anna hallucinates her legs being covered in black scales. But Siobhan assumes her client is simply having gastrointestinal issues. “Are you shitting?” Siobhan yells to Anna. “Squeeze that fucker out ASAP—it’s go-time, bitch! Plop plop!”
At the jankily filmed Oscars ceremony, Anna collapses on the red carpet. She tells Siobhan that, despite having contractions, she wants to stay until her category and then go to the hospital together. Best Actress generally comes close to the end of the telecast, so Anna must have been really practicing her labor breathing in the lead-up to the big day. When the Best Actress category rolls around, Anna’s contractions worsen. Just before the winner is called, Siobhan whispers to her, “What would you give up for the Oscar?” Siobhan aims her eyes downward at Anna’s bulging belly before continuing. “Anything?” Anna nods in agreement, making a silent pact to ditch her kid for a gold statue.
Seconds later, as if by…witchcraft…Anna wins the Oscar. To congratulate her, Siobhan plants a big one on her client’s lips, and the episode ends as Anna gets up on stage to accept her award, hearing strange voices swirling around her. It’s all preposterous and, frankly, deeply inane. But I hold fast in my thinking that Kardashian makes it all bearable. If this season was just Roberts and one of Murphy’s other AHS favorites, I’d never be able to make it this far into the season. But now, I’m actually looking forward to next week’s bloody finale. Well, you know, as much as one can be when they’re watching something partially out of morbid curiosity.
