After a premiere that lit the Bravo fandom abuzz with unnamed, allegedly uncool restaurants (which Twitter sleuths were hard at work deducing) and fights over cheese, Real Housewives of New York Season 14 silenced its remaining detractors with only one episode. Replicating that magic for the rest of the season is one thing, but surpassing it for something even better is another entirely. There have been plenty of late-period Housewives seasons that start with a promising premiere, then fly off the rails only a week later—I’m looking at you, Salt Lake City Season 3. So when the second episode of the RHONY reboot kicked off with a trip to the Hamptons, I almost fell out of my chair.
Any Real Housewives of New York diehard knows that the Hamptons are where great reality television is made. The lush area of Long Island is a favorite of the rich and famous, and a magnet for good drama. Who among us can forget the dispute over Cindy Barshop trying to drag everyone from their McMansions in Sag Harbor out to Quogue in Season 4? Or what about Ramona Singer having a pissing match with former New York governor David Paterson over which one of them is more blind?
The Hamptons bring out the restless energy that we’re looking for from our Housewives, and whoever’s idea it was to force the new cast to stay under one roof for three days should be awarded one of those presidential medals that made Ellen DeGeneres cry. This episode cements the reboot’s cast as tailor-made television perfection. Each of these women is both accessible and completely unrelatable; we should want to party with the Housewives as much as we fear them, and that’s precisely the kind of consistently frenetic energy that this Long Island delivers in droves.
Everyone knows that a great way to kick off a three-day trip with your girlfriends is to shame them for wanting to be comfortable. That’s why Erin chastises Sai, Ubah, and Jessel over the phone while the three women are on their way to Erin’s Hamptons home. The trio in the black SUV doesn’t understand Erin’s reservations about their over-preparation, and neither do I. Sai specifically brought her own toilet paper, because she “didn’t know what kind of ply [Erin] has.” Sure, bringing your preferred toilet paper to someone else’s home might be considered rude by some; I call it being ready for anything. You really think you know someone until you go to the bathroom at their house and realize they use one-ply toilet tissue. One-ply should never enter a living space; it should solely be reserved for college campus bathrooms and abandoned Petco stores.
Erin’s also not happy about Ubah wanting to stop at Provisions, a bougie Hamptons grocery store, for her favorite snacks. This, again, is what I would call “being an amazing guest.” You take some of the pressure off of the host, and you also get to munch on whatever you want, whenever you want—without having to worry about saving anything for anyone else. But because Erin has lined up a caviar caterer and made dinner reservations, she’s taking Ubah’s grocery shopping as a slant. It’s a tad ridiculous, but that absurdity is what keeps the group dynamic irresistible.
When the group finally arrives, our lord and savior Jenna Lyons has already made it to Erin’s house. Jenna’s high-profile, semi-celeb status really gives RHONY the kick of energy that it has been needing for quite some time. When Jenna walks into a room, the vibe shifts entirely; she’s a commanding presence, but not necessarily intimidating. She knows just how to steer the ship, even if it’s by gagging at the mere sight and smell of fresh dill (as a pickle hater, I hooted and hollered to show my support). That’s the kind of microscopic silliness that we need from a well-respected fashion industry titan, and paired with her stories about coming out late in life and her mother’s recent illness, they make for a well-rounded, endlessly watchable television personality.
Meanwhile, early internet-favorite Brynn is late to the party, hanging back in the city for one extra night to get a strep test. But even without her bubbly demeanor, the group of five provides a metric ton of raucous fun. Jenna gifts everyone with lingerie, and Jessel’s is an emerald green silk slip complete with black lace trim, which she dubs “Grinch vibes.” The slip is—how do I put this delicately—ugly as sin. It’s ill-fitting and too long, and Jessel can’t hide her absolute detest for it, which won her some major points in my ever-shifting ranking. But before leaving for dinner, Jenna clocks Jessel right back, essentially calling Jessel a fashion victim for clashing designer labels.
Dinner is at the popular Hamptons bistro Topping Rose, and I could practically hear the ghosts of excommunicated RHONY Housewives groaning in undead agony, doomed to walk the sight of the restaurant for all eternity. Topping Rose has been the site of several lunches and dinners in Real Housewives of New York’s tenure, and bringing the reboot’s cast to this relic of times past highlights exactly why the franchise needed a refresh. As Season 13 circled the drain, the old Housewives spent their Hamptons trip drunk and yelling at each other, as always. There was very little levity, and no sense of excitement. Now, there are two Housewives on the cast who don’t even drink (Ubah and Jenna), and the show feels as pleasant to watch as it did during its Seasons 7-through-9 heyday.
But even the best episodes have to end sometime, no matter how much I beg and plead with the producers to send me every single piece of footage axed from the final cut. The women get into some talk of sex—Jessel hasn’t slept with her husband since the birth of their kids a year prior, while everyone else is up to their eyes in copulation—and things slow down just enough to give the episode some legitimate emotion. Jenna discusses being outed by the New York Post in 2012 and tells the group about her later-in-life wakeup call. “Something happened when I turned 40,” Jenna says in her confessional. “I had this beautiful little boy, I had this great job, but I had this feeling inside that I wasn’t happy. And I remember thinking to myself that I don’t want to feel like this for another 40 years.”
It’s a fascinating denouement to the episode, perfectly punctuated with the beginnings of another silly argument about Jessel’s ghastly lingerie when the group arrives home. Put together, this dichotomy is exactly why we love Real Housewives of New York, and why it’s distinctly different from all other Housewives franchises. Its vibe, much like that of its namesake city, is condensed and colorful; the people in it are filled with stories and intricacies that aren’t necessarily visible to the naked eye. And that’s what makes peeling those layers away with this new cast such a blast. If RHONY can be this much fun with one girl missing, just imagine how delightful it’ll be when Brynn joins next week. Let’s just hope she arrives sans toilet paper.
