I fear that there is a climate disaster affecting New Jersey, specifically. How else can we explain the levels of pure heat currently radiating from its borders? Turn on your television on a Tuesday night, and you too will see that the high temperatures that science formerly thought the human body could withstand have been smashed to smithereens by the cast members of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. You could fry an egg on the skin of any person on this show.
Now, believe me, I know that’s nothing new. I’ve seen all 12 fully aired seasons of RHONJ several times. These women have been known for their all-over crispy suntans since day one. Melissa Gorga’s husband, Joe, brother to Teresa Giudice, even once had a promotional campaign for a local tanning salon. That salon? Sizzle Tans. Appropriate, since sizzling is what will happen to your skin if you don’t wear those protective volcanic suits, like the couple from Fire of Love, if you go within 50 feet of that man.
But in Season 13, something is different. These women and men have no longer just been kissed by the sun, they look like they woke up next to it after too many vodka cranberries and a taste of Jersey’s finest, airhorn-filled club music. In short: They are no longer tan, they are fully red.
The men of RHONJ have always had a delightfully ruddy sheen to them. Who can forget the early seasons, when Juicy Joe Giudice woke up on Christmas morning with his family looking as red as the stockings on his mantle? Or, I venture to say, as red as the wine he had been drinking all night. This is New Jersey, after all: the land of red wine, and redder sauce. It’s the only state with an entire tanning bed industry. It’s no surprise that we would see the men looking flushed, and the women on their arms looking like they had just come off the beach—even in the dead of winter.
That small delineation has evaporated. It seems as though everyone on RHONJ is now a stunning shade of auburn. And I’m not the only person who has noticed! This is a phenomenon that is sweeping the internet faster than a batch of bad meatballs.
On her podcast Bitch Sesh, actress Casey Wilson asked her co-host Danielle Schneider the question on all of our minds. “I’m putting this out to everyone: Is my television broken? …Is there maybe, like, a filter on it?” Wilson questioned in a recent episode. “It also seems to be a bronzer, but they’re red,” she continued. Schneider then chimed in by answering to the best of her ability. “Yeah, because it’s the sun.”
And Scheider and Wilson aren’t the only people who have noticed this change. Every Tuesday night, people have been crying into the void, looking for answers.
“Can I seriously ask why all the men on RHONJ are literally blood red all over their bodies 99% of the time,” writer and podcast host Joan Summers tweeted. “Is it suntanning? Is it something to do with steroids and only eating red meat? Literally what is going on.”
Another Twitter user took to the web to give us a more childlike view. “There is every shade in a Crayola box at that table,” they tweeted, referring to a scene where all the husbands of RHONJ wives are gathering for a guy’s night out. That scene, which concluded last week’s installment, could be our ground zero if we examine it a little closer.
Eight men sit around three tables, pushed together at a local watering hole. Over the course of the scene, each man—who already entered the establishment looking like Samantha in Sex and the City after her chemical peel—progressively gets redder as time goes on. But what can we attribute this to? Let’s look at the evidence. The first thing the guys do is order drinks, and on top of that, a round of shots that will be “kept comin’” as the evening descends into madness. The alcohol really sets a great foundation for which the redness to build through their entire complexion.
Next are several platters of bar food. We’re talking loaded nachos, burgers, onion rings, and towers of a grease-covered something-or-other. Throw all of that back and wash it down with a shot, and their pores are about to be the sight of a medical marvel. Finally, there is a factor that transcends any redness-triggering substance or food product—the element that almost all of the men and women on this show share: hot-blooded, passionate Italian genes.
Over the course of the night, the vibe between the group of men devolves into chaos. As it is wont to do! We’ve seen this happen hundreds of times before in this franchise. An existing rift between members of the group triggers a verbal brawl. Suddenly, Joe Gorga and Teresa Giudice’s fiancé, Luis Ruelas, both look like they’re engaged in a war of who can look more like Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales.
This is no doubt the source of the redness that has infiltrated RHONJ’s entire cast. Blood-boiling anger does not discriminate against gender. Every single person who has a camera put in their face on this show is going to come into contact with that fiery spirit, and by the transitive property, will also become angered enough to share their redness.
Is it really such a wonder that everyone on RHONJ is the color of a can of Hunt’s San Marzano-style pomodoro? We’ve got people engaged in decades-long, intra-family feuds; Housewives are locked in battles after exploiting the infidelity of each other’s marriages, past and present, for our entertainment; half the cast is divorced and still trying to juggle the antics of their ex-husbands! Of course, these people are mad as hell. Wouldn’t you be?
I’ve thought about moving to New Jersey myself several times. How long can one really sustain the sky-high cost of living in New York City before they get tired of dumping money into a landlord’s pocket and not a real mortgage? But I have dermatologist-diagnosed rosacea I’m already in a daily battle with. I don’t think any level of concentrated, prescription topical cream or pill could withstand the redness I’d become inflicted with in New Jersey. And paying to try certainly wouldn’t offset the cost! Instead, I’m content watching from across the river. They’re red, I’m red, and we’re all just trying to get by without a flare-up.
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