This fall, former first lady Melania Trump is releasing a memoir. It will be called Melania because that is her name.
The memoir will be published by Skyhorse, where Mrs. Trump will be joined by other distinguished authors, including Rudy Giuliani, Woody Allen, Alex Jones, and the hunter who shot Bambi’s mom. OK I made that last one up but that’s only because she hasn’t written it yet. Oh yeah, evil hunters can be women too. Just ask Kristi Noem’s dog. Check your biases, people!
There is a lot of curiosity about the former first lady’s ability to write her own work after her 2016 speech that sounded suspiciously like one Michelle Obama gave and her recent statement, which was… well we’ll just say weird.
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The memoir is available for pre-order on Melania’s website for $40. Or $150, if you want it signed by the author which, let’s be honest, could be anyone!
In fact, while you’re there, why not pick up a limited-edition digital “Metarose” which, according to the site, “was inspired by a series of photographs that Mrs. Trump took with her camera” and a $35 Christmas ornament frame called “The Family Portrait” which is, appropriately, empty.
Now while we have not been able to confirm the precise date of release, we have been lucky enough to get a look at the first chapter. Below, in exclusive excerpts shared with The Daily Beast, “Melania” tells the story of her remarkable life.
CHAPTER 1 – CHILDHOOD
It was the Be Best of times, it was the Be Worst of times.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
CHAPTER 7 – HOW I MET DONALD TRUMP
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man married to Marla Maples in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. After all, all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Oh Donald, Donald, wherefore art thou Donald? You had me at hello!
You’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya punk? It’s Britney, bitch. One fish two fish red fish blue fish. Call me Ishmael MELANIA. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again. Is this enough pages yet? What if we do double space and move the margins? No one reads past the first 10 pages anyway, right? Can we make the font bigger????
CHAPTER 14 – LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE
As Melania Trump awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself transformed in her bed into a giant insect. Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Trump Tower anymore.
THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. WIN ONE FOR THE GIPPER.
CHAPTER 23 – THE ENDING
And so Pa and Ma and Mary and Laura and baby Melania left their little house in the Big Woods of Wisconsin. They drove away and left it lonely and empty in the clearing among the big trees, and they never saw that little house again.
Give me liberty, or give me death. I don’t fear it any longer, for I’m sure I shall be your Beth still, to love and help you more than ever. You must take my place, Jo, and be everything to Father and Mother when I’m gone.
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an “L” on her forehead.
In conclusion, that is a ludicrously capacious bag, Greg.
Hawk tuah to one and all.
Good night moon!
Xoxo, Melania
The author would like to extend thanks and apologies to Charles Dickens, J.D. Salinger, Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy, William Shakespeare, Dorothy Boyd, Dirty Harry, Britney Spears, Dr. Seuss, Herman Melville, Margaret Mitchell, Franz Kafka, Dorothy Gale, Tom Hanks, Ronald Reagan, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Patrick Henry, Louisa May Alcott, Smashmouth, Tom Wamsbgans, Hawk Tuah Girl, Margaret Wise Brown and, of course, Gossip Girl.
Jill Twiss won five Emmys as a writer for Last Week Tonight With John Oliver.
