Dear (former, best ever) President Donald Trump,
We’ve had our disagreements over the years, some of them pretty bigly. But if there’s one important lesson you’ve taught me, it’s that we should never let personal grievances, ethics, or the law stand in the way of a good business opportunity.
As your legal fees continue to mount by the millions, your Truth Social stock tanks, and the bond for your $454 million judgment for sexually assaulting E. Jean Carroll is rejected (so unfair!)—now’s the perfect time to explore a new income stream that can capitalize on the attention you’re getting over rumors you’ve been audibly farting in the courtroom during your first-ever criminal trial.
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Now, I know these are unconfirmed, uncorroborated rumblings, but even if it’s not true, own it! As your former spokesperson, John Barron, knew, all PR is good PR. And, believe me, when you hear this pitch, I think you might shit yourself—pun VERY much intended.
Here it is: “Diaper Don’s Soundproof Adult Undergarments.”
Think about it. You’re an adult (chronologically, if not temperamentally), you wear diapers, and you fart a lot. In a quiet courtroom, that kind of constant, audible flatulence could turn a sympathetic juror into a Soros-controlled globalist puppet.
We can stop that from happening.
And can’t you just picture the commercial?
An American flag waving in the breeze, the first stirring notes of the Star Spangled Banner featuring the Jan. 6 Prison Choir (such a great song, sir, brought tears to my eyes). The scene is majestic, awe-inspiring. Then, out of nowhere, somebody rips one, almost ruining the magnificent, some say better-than-the-original song.
Enter YOU, possibly arriving via escalator, looking like a modern-day Winston Churchill, but much more muscular and virile and without the phony-baloney accent.
It’d go something like this:
“I’m President Donald Trump. Whether I’m on the golf course or in a courtroom run by a totally conflicted and disgraced judge, there are times where I just let it rip.
“Sometimes I even shart a little.
“I need an adult diaper that’s as tough and patriotic as me. That’s why I’ve created Diaper Don’s Soundproof Adult Undergarments.
“They not only absorb the weird stuff down there, they’re also equipped with my patented fart-baffling diaper technology. No other brand can match this very strong, very powerful system for neutralizing the sounds of even the juiciest, wettest fluffer doodles.
“The secret: gold!”
(Note: the secret isn’t really gold. It’s styrofoam. But we’ll paint it gold. Those idiots won’t know the difference.)
“Using the same state-of-the-art technology that made Trump Sneakers the best-selling shoe in history, my Trump Diapers will get you through a rough day in court, or the boardroom, or the back nine at Bedminster, where I am club champion 10 years running.
“Diaper Don’s Soundproof Adult Undergarments: for when you’re shitting yourself because you might go to jail after falsifying business records, obstructing justice, stealing classified documents, and attempting to overturn a presidential election.”
So…
What do you think?
Yes, the tagline is a little ungainly, but it’s hard to fit almost a hundred felony charges into a pithy catchphrase. Did you have to commit so many crimes?!? (Allegedly, lol.)
Also, I admit that adult diapers aren’t the world’s most glamorous product, but that’s where the Trump magic comes in. Who else but you could turn an embarrassing medical condition into a goldmine? Sleepy Joe Biden? Please—that guy’s too busy governing, like a nerd.
If anybody can turn this idea into a hit, it’s you. After all, your doubters probably thought nobody would pay thousands upon thousands to attend a fraudulent university, either.
Maybe you worry selling adult diapers will “damage your reputation.” The good news—not possible! Your reputation is already as soiled as the inferior adult diaper you’re currently wearing.
Look, you’ve already demonstrated time and again that there are no limits to how far you will debase yourself for a buck, so why not sink just a little bit further? The haters already hate you and the big, burly men who tear up in your presence will appreciate a personal hygiene product emblazoned with your name and face strategically placed right where a star could grab it.
Now, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now, but in between one of your courtroom naps, maybe you could look over the prospectus I’ve prepared. Don’t worry, it’s mostly pictures!
Feel free to respond via The Daily Beast. I promised them a cut of the proceeds, but I’m going to screw them over just like the Master taught me to do. Former President Trump, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, at least until you inevitably sue me.
