Wherever there is a woman lamenting the abysmal prospects of the heterosexual dating world, there’s a man waiting to remind anyone who will listen that the problem could never be cis-het men, it has to be her.
“It seems you’ve hit a wall and are mad at younger women who are your competition.”
“Have fun competing over the men most of you want that most of you will never get.”
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“Black women are conditioned to view Black men as beneath them.”
Those are a couple of unsolicited comments I got from what appeared to be male-led accounts when I asked single Black women (who date men) on TikTok how they viewed the dating world based on the quality of matches.
It’s become disgustingly popular for men in some spheres to warn women that having “high” standards is a problem that will leave them bitter and alone. But, perhaps, it’s actually these same men that should be more concerned about what not meeting these standards means for their own satisfaction and well being.
Because for years, women have grown increasingly comfortable with not getting married. Are men feeling the same?
Times are changing and “women’s sense of value is shifting,” psychologist and author Dr. Chloe Carmichael told The Daily Beast. We were once socialized to prioritize marriage and children, and now women see “there are a lot of other paths besides that.”
It’s true. Plenty of women, myself included, may want to be married or have a life partner, but we also have too many options and needs—beyond marriage and child-rearing—to rush and settle with just anyone.
Yet even that obvious fact didn’t stop one TikTok commenter from assuming my “life partner may be working at Walmart” and I simply “pass him” for other options.
I’m not sure if the commenter was speaking about the many college-educated Walmart employees, or those who make as much as $200,000 dollars a year, or if he was referring to the average associate—but when marriage isn’t a dire necessity, I have every reason (and right) to pass on whomever I choose.
“Everyone’s got different priorities and if my priorities were to get married, I’d marry […] the first guy that asked me,” psychologist and counselor Suzanne Degges-White told The Daily Beast. “We can’t allow other people to tell us what our priorities should be,” she added.
I have great respect for blue-collar workers and I know many of them must make great spouses. But after seeing comments like this, I’m reminded of the controversial opinions of men like the late Kevin Samuels—who built an online platform on “relationship advice” that often targeted Black women and women over 30 for being what he described as “low value” because they did not possess the sexist qualities he believed were necessary for them to attract a “high value” man.
I have to wonder why women are constantly encouraged, and damn near expected, to date whomever will accept us—regardless of what we want and what we bring to the table.
Now, there “are a lot of good men out there. But the ones who are going to speak [out against women] are the ones who are scared” of what could happen if women continue to determine their own value and no longer prioritize marriage, says Dr. Degges-White.
Dr. Carmichael thinks that though both men and women can unintentionally be “boxing themselves into a corner” with certain standards—sometimes people “say someone’s standards are ‘too high’ as a way to absolve themselves of the responsibility to try to meet or live up to [them].”
And according to a recent piece published in Psychology Today—written by board-certified couple and family psychologist Greg Matos—it seems that while women were already putting off marriage to achieve certain goals (if we choose to marry at all), more of us are also unwilling to compromise, particularly when it comes to emotional availability and communication.
And it’s leading to more single, lonely men.
When I made another TikTok discussing the Psychology Today article, and how women are willing to wait longer for the right partner—among the many comments from ladies in agreement, I was warned by one user of increased “violence” against women.
“Hope it was worth it,” the anonymous account threatened.
Now, I can’t say for sure it was a man who said this, but given the history of unhinged, perverted incels that hide in the deepest pockets of the web, I’m gonna leave the door open on that one.
It’s scary to imagine just how bothered some heterosexual men become at the idea of women choosing to remain unpartnered. But that comment, however outrageous, and the incessant habit of some men to try to convince women to lower their expectations (even from a scientific basis), points to an issue I’m sure few of these men would like to admit: they might need women more than we need them.
We can only speculate as to why someone would want women to shelve their needs and desires, rather than simply raising themselves to meet higher standards, but Dr. Degges-White suggested one possible answer: “Giving up power terrifies [some men].”
As more women choose to be single or wait for qualified partners, we threaten long-held societal dynamics and “the idea that women are meant to be kept in a certain place.”
When women start families before attaining educational or career growth, it helps to maintain the status quo within a patriarchal system. So men who want to uphold that structure need us to marry them in order to do so.
But there are physical and emotional benefits for men in marriage. As Matos explains in his Psychology Today piece, “men typically are happier and healthier when partnered.”
It’s possible that men benefit even more from marriage than women do. Dr. Carmichael, however, “greets that with a little bit of skepticism” to avoid looking at it through a lens of patriarchy. But she sees how one might come to that conclusion—given that women are more likely to go to do things like go to the doctor, and encourage their partner to do the same, which would benefit a man’s overall health. Dr. Degges-White agrees, because studies have shown that men “have greater health benefits for marriage than women do.”
“Men are less likely to seek counseling,” without encouragement, which often comes from a partner. “And women are more likely to take care of themselves no matter what.”
Think about it. When you see a news profile a woman who lived to be over 100 and she’s asked what her secret is—you sometimes hear her say something like “I drank whiskey every day and never got married.”
As women prioritize other aspects of life over partnership, I wonder what the likely response from men would be considering that many seem uncomfortable with the idea.
For Dr. Degges-White, it’s frightening to think “what will men do” if a growing number of them are unable to find wives.
Obviously, there’s a simple fix for lonely men: Instead of expecting women to meet you where you are, just do the work to become a better partner—which is what Matos outlined in his piece. The alternative is that some of these men will just have to face the repercussions of failing to rise to the occasion.
As Medium writer Vanessa Torre expertly put it a year before Matos’ story came out, rather than assuming high standards are the reason women are single, understand that “men are single because women have standards.”
