Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris has chosen her vice-presidential candidate and he is a midwesterner. In fact, I think Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz might be the midwesterner.
The man is a walking Minnesota State Fair; a folk hero, like Paul Bunyan or whoever invented throwing some green beans and a can of cream of mushroom soup in a baking dish, crumpling potato chips on it and calling it a casserole. He is a tater tot hotdish come to life.
And I don’t want to brag, but I’m sort of an expert. My family resides in South Dakota. Before that, I used to live in Duluth, Minnesota. My parents worked for the Forest Service and my dad was a smokejumper who jumped out of airplanes into forest fires. (I know! Why would he do that?)
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You want to know how midwestern I am? I have now lived in New York City for well over a decade and, even now, when I walk down the street strangers just offer me directions. Some people have Resting B---h Face. I have Resting Just-Got-Off-A-Bus-From-Topeka Face.
I’m just saying, I have some real street cred on streets where people spend 20 minutes at four-way stops because everyone is too nice to go first. So needless to say, I’m cautiously delighted by the choice of Tim Walz as a running mate.
But before we get to the fun stuff, let’s get all of Walz’s real-deal credentials out of the way—obviously he is qualified to be the Vice President. He was in the Army National Guard for 24 years. He served six terms in the House of Representatives and has been Minnesota’s governor since 2018. He was also a high school football coach and lunchroom monitor, which is probably better preparation for Congress-wrangling than any of the other stuff. After all, what is a filibuster if not a days-long food fight with our fundamental rights at stake?
But now let’s get to what matters. What makes this midwestern man so delightful other than literally everything?
He won a hotdish contest—two years in a row!
Bringing a hotdish to a potluck in Minnesota is like grabbing a slice in New York or drinking one-third of a Matcha tea and saying you’re “so full” in Los Angeles. But Tim Walz isn’t just some kind of hotdish poser. He has won an actual hotdish contest. Twice! His recipe has beer AND brats AND mushroom soup AND tater tots. And for the brave among you who want to try it, don’t worry—in typical potluck fashion, he’s willing to share.
He carved a school bus out of butter
A little background: Every year the Minnesota State Fair has a butter sculpting)" href="https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/mspmag.com/arts-and-culture/meet-the-minnesota-state-fair-butter-sculptor/__;!!LsXw!VTPCwQjgIxuyeAUyZaS7QPzZ2IeG4SrV4aVvj_HcVVvixEhHXTV0exdwzOOeOXb4UxNfBZxHkXO3nYWGx7U11kG4yA$">butter sculpting event, in which a professional carver sculpts a 90-pound block of butter into a bust of the woman crowned that year’s Princess Kay of the Milky Way)" href="https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/www.midwestdairy.com/young-dairy-leaders/dairy-princesses/minnesota-princess-kay-of-the-milky-way/__;!!LsXw!VTPCwQjgIxuyeAUyZaS7QPzZ2IeG4SrV4aVvj_HcVVvixEhHXTV0exdwzOOeOXb4UxNfBZxHkXO3nYWGx7UrcImayw$">Princess Kay of the Milky Way (which is sort of like a pageant, but for “dairy princesses” specifically). Yes, I also just read back that sentence and thought maybe I had a stroke, thank you for asking.
But there is also a smaller butter sculpting contest that community members can enter and that is where Gov. Tim Walz once carved a school bus out of butter.
Was his butter sculpture good? No. Was it sort of cheating because sticks of butter start out relatively bus-shaped anyway? Yes.
But was it the best gosh darn butter sculpture done by a sitting governor in the United States of America? Honestly I don’t know, but sometimes you just find out that a vice-presidential candidate carved a school bus out of a stick of butter and all you can say is, “Yes, that seems exactly right.”
He scored a free range turkey
Long before he entered politics, Walz was a humble social studies teacher. And as one of his fellow teachers recalled to The Washington Post)" href="https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/www.washingtonpost.com/style/power/2024/08/02/tim-walz-kamala-harris/__;!!LsXw!VTPCwQjgIxuyeAUyZaS7QPzZ2IeG4SrV4aVvj_HcVVvixEhHXTV0exdwzOOeOXb4UxNfBZxHkXO3nYWGx7VAqjpe0g$">The Washington Post, he was ‘welcomed’ into his new job with a prank staged by his peers: The teachers made a fake gift certificate entitling Walz to a free turkey and then sent him off to the local grocery to collect.
But joke’s on them, suckers! Because Walz came out of that store WITH A FREE TURKEY. From the Post:
<p><b>“He went down there and left with a free turkey,” Hermer says.</b><b>How was he able to pull that off?</b><b>“I have no idea,” she says. “That’s just Tim Walz.”</b></p>
If I could suggest a winning presidential slogan for 2032, I’d have to go with “I Have No Idea. That’s just Tim Walz.”
His dog locked himself in the bedroom
Usually I don’t want a politician who is relatable, or who I can have a beer with. I want a politician who is smarter than me and has better judgment than I do. Isn’t that the whole point? There is one exception to my rule, though: Any politician who is outsmarted by their own dog.
Case in point, this delightful Twitter thread Walz shared last October:
Ok fine, here he is with a piglet
Back at the state fair, they have something called the “Miracle of Life Barn”—or as my Minnesotan friend calls it, “The Chicky Ducky Bunny Barn.” And honestly, that’s all the context you need. Here’s Walz, reporting in from the fray:
I have been told you don’t actually get to hold the baby animals in the Chicky Ducky Bunny (Piggy) Barn unless you are someone important, like the governor, which is the best reason I’ve ever heard for young people to get into politics.
I think you all get my point. In this weird, weird time, Tim Walz is just a guy. He talks about the weather. He leaves early to beat traffic. He gives kids free lunch because every midwesterner knows that food is love.
And that’s why he’ll probably make a great vice president. In fact, he’s already made this race a little better for me.
Responding to the news of his selection on Tuesday morning, Donald Trump posted on his social media site that, “TIM WALZ WOULD BE THE WORST VP IN HISTORY….He’ll unleash HELL ON EARTH.”
And instead of getting furious? Instead of that sinking feeling I get most mornings when I check Truth Social because I just can’t help myself? I laughed. Because it’s absurd. Imagine watching Tim Walz boop a piglet’s nose and thinking he’ll unleash HELL ON EARTH. Look at that man’s cheeks! Evil is so rarely this jolly.
Although, if you think he won’t move into the Naval Observatory, check the boiler, and immediately fix something with a can of WD-40, then you are out of your mind.
